Reading FM today one of our staff writers found this little gem:

In case you can’t read that little box quite right, here’s the actual text:
Two true things:
1. Thanks to the Class of 2013, visits to Stillman for alcohol-related issues have reached a historic high
2. The Class of 2013 is the most socioeconomically diverse class in Harvard’s history

Giving no context for these “two true things”, we wonder how FM will defend this. Don’t see what we mean? Publishing these “two true things” is not only totally irrelevant, but implies that the greater socioeconomic diversity at Harvard somehow explains the rise in alcoholism. Transitive property. Y’all are smart, you don’t need us to explain why this is super fucked up.

Hello Kitty + oil + curlers + snowballs = HUPD's January

Just because you go home, that doesn’t mean that HUPD stops working.  That said, the number of police reports did dramatically diminish over the past few weeks.  The decrease in the student body means fewer parties to shut down and fewer laptop thefts.  Even so, the Harvard Police Logs do not fall short when it comes to stories sure to make you laugh, tremble, or simply wonder.

This report from Christmas Eve is actually quite sad.  Don’t laugh.  That was somebody’s Christmas package.  Just picture somebody using all four of these gifts at once.  How happy would she have been then?

12/24/09 6:12 PM – 95 Prescott St. – Theft Report

Officer dispatched to take a report of items stolen from a package.  The package contained a Hello Kitty pajama set valued at $40.00, olive oil valued at $10.00, hair curlers valued at $35.00, and a snowball maker valued at $15.00. Read the rest of this entry »

America always manages to keep things classy. We’re the only ones with NASCAR, velour track suits, and the Country Music Awards to keep us on the cutting edge of culture and refinement. But now there’s proof that our country looks the best. The photo of Mr. President at the Great Wall of China in November that’s been spreading around the internet recently is letting the rest of the world know that we don’t all wear shirts that say “jUiCy” on the chest. I think we can all agree that if there were a President’s edition of “America’s Next Top Model,” the land of the free would hands down be the last one standing at deliberations, with 100% of Tyra’s “smile with your eyes” approval.

"I'm just serving my constituents."

Obama is the new black: A politically charged model at New York Fashion Week.

So what’s with all the fuss that the White House is making about Weatherproof shamelessly appropriating the AP photo of Obama to their advertising advantage? Sure, the executive dudes may have breached some sort of promotional taboo, being all sly about permissions yet not violating any intellectual property rights whatsoever. But does it really matter whether it’s a matter of business ethics? It’s entirely appropriate that after being elected by a disillusioned 18-to-25-year-old age bracket who became obsessed with his “Be the Change” ideal, his appeal would be advertised to this same demographic using a hypervisual, commercialized vanity that completely characterizes this image-conscious generation. Hello, isn’t it obvious? Obama knows who to prop. White House, I gotta call you out on this one. Just chillax. Holla back at you, O-boi!

So let’s be real for two seconds. Obama’s probably okay with his face being plastered at 32948729387-megapixel resolution in Times Square. More than okay. Flattered, even. After all, the man’s got the authoritative charm of Reagan in “The Hasty Heart” and the supple skin of a baby’s bottom. (Is it Nivea? Tell us your secret!) In any case, if I were a New Yorker, I’d say my commute around town definitely improved from the days of yore.

Photos courtesy of Entertainment Rundown and New York Daily News.

Photo Credit: The Harvard Gazette

It’s been a while, but here we are, hitting you with another HUPD Hustlin’.  HUPD has been continuing to serve the University, protecting all of Harvard’s students.  Of course, they continue to find humorous situations along the way: helping drunk doorbell ringers, showing up to deal with an “unwanted guest” in lecture who turned out to be the professor, stopping salad theft, and checking in on some strange activities in CGIS.

Ding Dong.  “Hello, sorry to bother you at 4:00 a.m.  Did I leave my clothes in your apartment?  No?  Wrong door I guess.  Thanks anyway.”

11/6/09 4:19 AM – Peabody Terrace 10, 900 Memorial Drive – Suspicious Activity

Officers dispatched to a report of an individual ringing doorbells in the area.  Officers arrived and located the individual who stated they left their belongings in their friend’s residence and could not remember which apartment their friend resided in.  Officers located the individual’s friend and report the individual was now in possession of their belongings.

This must have been a pretty controversial debate at the Kennedy School if somebody called the police on the professor.

11/12/09 11:25 AM – Littauer KSG, 79 JFK St – Unwanted Guest

Officers dispatched to a report of a individual who started to address a class.  Officers report the individual was a professor and the class was participating in a debate. Read the rest of this entry »

Some people have asked why Noice isn’t covering the UC election scandal slash shitshow. So here’s all we have to say about it.

Also this:

Oh honey, my mascara does that smeary thing too sometimes.

In weird Harvard-related news:

A man from Harvard Business School allegedly choked a cop this weekend – while dressed in drag. Naturally he was dolled up for the Priscilla Ball (as in, Priscilla Queen of the Desert) hosted by the HBS Australia and New Zealand club. We hope this all gets sorted out soon and that the officer involved was not hurt in the scuffle. And while we shake our collective heads in shame at their conduct (that’s certainly not the way a lady behaves), we can’t help but chortle a bit. Plus, the word-nerd in us is weirdly excited – ever notice that grad also spells drag?

But certainly the most entertaining/infuriating aspect of this whole affair is the comments left by anonymous users on the source site. And while we certainly agree that Harvard’s image has declined in recent times, we can’t help but ask that random people on the interwebs calm the heck down; a couple rowdy grad students ≠ the end of Harvard and the world as we know it. Read our “favorite”  comments after the jump! Read the rest of this entry »

While you were masquerading about in your Halloween costumes, Harvard Police were taking care of business, dealing with everything from shutting down that party you wanted to attend to kicking cultish chanters out of the Quad.

“But, Officers, I was just trying to tell them not to touch the foot.  It is for their own good.”  Seriously, this first story is just three students trying to do the right thing.

10/21/09 2:45 PM – John Harvard Statue – Suspicious Activity

“Officer dispatched to a report of three individuals not allowing individuals to take pictures.  Officers report that the individuals were gone on arrival.”

“They’re kids playing guns in the street.  And one’s pointing his tree branch at me.  And so I put my hands up, I say enough is enough.  If you walk away, I’ll walk away.  He shot me dead.” – Bright Eyes

10/23/09 1:27 PM – 1 Western Ave, Allston, MA – Disturbance

“Officers dispatched to a report of individuals fighting and that one individual had a stick.  Officers report the individuals were waiting for a tow truck and were goofing around and all was in order.”

Dining Services?  HUDS?  I thought that was pesto tasted funny yesterday.

10/23/09 4:41 PM – Dining Services, 65 Winthrop St – Field Interview

“Officers observed four individuals engaging in a drug transaction.  Officers observed two individuals leave the area.  A field interview was conducted with the remaining two individuals who were found to be in possession of marijuana.  Each individual was run for wants/warrants with negative results and sent on their way.  Officers confiscated the marijuana.” Read the rest of this entry »

Hi there. This is The Voice Ninja. Who am I? Why have you never seen or heard of me? It’s because I’m a ninja, duh.

Occasionally I’ll come out of the shadows when The Voice hires me for a little espionage. While it’s of questionable morality, sure, I like to think of it as community service. No but really, my feudal Lord (aka TF) caught me plagiarizing in lit-sex and they made me agree to either do this or take a gap year.

So here I am, hiding out in a tree, watching a final club’s induction…or what looks like the beginnings of one. Which final club you ask? Well…it’s the tacky one that looks like a Cantabrigian Hooters: The Owl. And this isn’t the first time they’ve let their owlets outta the bag.

What follows after the jump are the notes I took from the event. Some highlights: random dude with axe, typical bro behavior, and somebody playing Joan of Arc in the leaves.

Read the rest of this entry »

Chris Liberge, anchor of On Harvard Time, calls Playboy Radio’s “Afternoon Advice,” a show in which Tiffany Granath answers callers’ questions about sex and relationships.

This call requires no introduction other than a warning to readers that this audio clip includes graphic sexual language and ideas. So: NSFWOL (Not Safe For Work Or Lamont).

[Video courtesy of On Harvard Time]

CORRECTION (10/28/09): The video is not an On Harvard Time venture after all, but is in fact courtesy of Leeburjay Productions.

This week, HUPD had to deal with kids writing messages in Science Center boards and some individual acting like a kid leaving his toys out instead of putting them away.  HUPD had another busy week of keeping Harvard under control.

Seriously, the Noice wants to hear the rest of the story about this first case of “suspicious activity.”  It appears the Head of the Charles brought quite a few strange characters to town.

10/18/09 1:25 PM – Rockefeller Center, 61 Kirkland St, Cambridge – Suspicious Activity

“Officer dispatched to a report of an individual dumping trash over the fence.  Officer arrived and reports individual had dumped plastic toys over fence.”

More stories of HUPD Hustlin’ follow below: Read the rest of this entry »

It is hard not to sensationalize such a horrific event, but a man was stabbed in Harvard Square this weekend... seven times.

A Somerville resident walked into the Cambridge Hospital with seven stab wounds this past Saturday at 12:39 a.m., according to a police report.

Cambridge Police later determined that the 38-year-old man had been attacked outside the CVS at 29 J.F.K. St. on Oct. 17. The three suspects were age 19 to 21, and one of them wore a hat, but the victim reportedly could not give any further descriptions. Police said they would not release any additional information on the suspects since it’s early in the investigation.

source

We’re happy to report that the victim has been released today in stable condition and we hope that they find the suspects soon…the violent bastards. Though you should not be alarmed or take this as a sign of Cambridge’s utter and total dissipation into, say, Detroit, we do strongly urge caution when traveling with (or without) your posse late at night. Wear heels with some traction, ladies, in case you gotta cut and run.