Hi all! You may know me as a prolific commenter on HarvardFML; this is my new and improved means of doling out relationship advice! Got a question you want to ask, or a situation you want thoughts and advice on? Email me at somedude.harvardfml@gmail.com, and watch this space for my answer! DunsterDiver asks,

I’ve had a crush on this girl for a while, and I think I’m going to ask her out. It’s been a while since I’ve been on a first date. What should I plan?

Well, let’s think about the purpose of this first date. It is not to spend time with this girl. It is to get her to want to spend more time with you. If she says yes when you ask, presumably she’s at least a little interested; the first date needs to grow that interest, so you’ll get to spend more time with her in the future.

The pitch: As I’ve said in past posts, don’t ask, tell. “Let’s go get coffee” is better than “Would you like to get some coffee with me?” The former projects confidence and command; the latter is more supplicant and approval-seeking. It’s subtle, but since this is your first overtly romantic interaction, it’s worth setting a strong tone.

The location: The ideal first date is at a cafe or coffee house. It’s a casual afternoon break, not a sit-down meal. Any of the tons of little cafes near Harvard Square would work well. Tealuxe, L.A. Burdick, Crema Cafe, Cafe Pamplona, even Starbucks or Au Bon Pain, and there are many more besides.

Why a coffee date and not a sit-down meal? Read the rest of this entry »

Hi all! You may know me as a prolific commenter on HarvardFML; this is my new and improved means of doling out relationship advice! Got a question you want to ask, or a situation you want thoughts and advice on? Email me at somedude.harvardfml@gmail.com, and watch this space for my answer!

Today, though, is part three of a three-part series of posts on attraction. Here are parts one and two, if you missed them.

In terms of attractiveness, most women are probably aware of their biggest shortcomings, and those biggest shortcomings are generally not easy to change. Most men, on the other hand, can probably change their biggest shortcomings, but most have no idea what they are or how to change them.

Many men think that, since they find physical attractiveness fairly overriding, that women do too. Except women don’t. You’ve seen hot girls dating guys who aren’t anything to write home about; the reverse is much rarer. Many guys have also been taught from a very young age to be nice to girls, and in lots of us this is so deeply ingrained that we expect girls to be attracted to guys who are nice to them – and we even behave as if we believe it without consciously believing it. Many girls believe and say that they’re attracted to niceness, even if their own behavior routinely contradicts it. Many guys, because they would welcome communications of interest from girls, think that communicating interest creates attraction.

I think it’s misconceptions like this that lead men to believe that women are fickle and that romance is a crapshoot. Women are not fickle as a rule – not more than anyone else, at least. And romance is not a crapshoot if you know how it works. Read the rest of this entry »

Hi all! You may know me as a prolific commenter on HarvardFML; this is my new and improved means of doling out relationship advice! Got a question you want to ask, or a situation you want thoughts and advice on? Email me at somedude.harvardfml@gmail.com, and watch this space for my answer!

Today, though, is part two of a three-part series of posts on attraction. Here’s part one, if you missed it.

Men and women experience attraction for different reasons. Whether the difference is primarily social or biological in origin I won’t speculate on, but ultimately it doesn’t matter because the differences are impossible to ignore. Today I will tackle how to attract men.

Attraction in men is mostly a response to feminine sensory stimuli. Since you can tell how someone looks or sounds pretty much immediately, attraction in men tends to happen faster in men than in women, who rely more heavily on things like personality and sense of humor, which can only be detected over time.

There is a strategy for attracting men which works effectively and reliably whether you’re a supermodel or not. It’s a seduction of the senses, and this is how it works: First, get the guy’s attention. Then, hold the guy’s attention without overtly reciprocating. Whatever he seems to want, give less – it keeps him hoping for more, and the anticipation builds his attraction. High enough attraction overcomes everything else, so by building his attraction early, you don’t need to have a perfect personality or a perfect body.

Getting and holding a guy’s attention are done the same way. We’ll go through it one sense at a time. Read the rest of this entry »