The Trivalry

1. Rafael Nadal – The Pit Bull

- What he’s famous for:The 25-year old Spaniard is the defending champion and current world No. 1 tennis player. Nadal’s rise to the top was as meteoric as it was spectacular. He turned pro at 15, beat Federer, the then world No. 1, for the first time at 17, and never looked back. He’s won all four major tennis tournaments, a gold medal at the Summer Olympics, and at Roland Garros alone he’s been crowned five times. Watch Nadal roam the court like a pit bull on steroid, while his opponent breaks a bucket of sweat in exhaustion and exasperation. It’s fun.

- What he’s infamous for: the permanent wedgie, made very in-your-face by the constant close-up camera shots of his Capri pants which cannot be any tighter. It’s tempting to imagine that Nadal’s constant tugging of his pants behind his ass might be a tactic to distract the opponent. Nadal also has a particularly “flamboyant” dressing style. He’s almost always in sleeveless tops of super bright colors, such as orange, and then pair that with, say, green pants. You can practically see him from Mars. Or the nosebleed section of the stadium, which actually is helpful.

He’s so rich that he basically owns a Spanish soccer team, Mallorca. He’s an avid soccer fan and was one of only six non-staff people allowed into the locker room of Spain’s national soccer team after it won the World Cup in 2010. He’s also the new face of Armani underwear. (Hence the picture on the left.) I’ll give you a few moments to regroup. Methinks he should just ditch the hideously colored clothes and go the way nature intends it!

He might be going bald very soon though, so enjoy the pretty while it lasts.

2. Novak Djokovic - The Djoker

The 24-year-old Serb is somewhat of a late bloomer. Winning his first Grand Slam in 2008, his fire never flared up but only fizzled out, and he seemed permanently stuck outside of the Nadal-Federer rivalry. For a while, it was almost sad to watch Djokovic played because he’d be awesome and then, before you knew it, he’d be keeling with some kind of pain or injury or something. He had so much potential, and then something happened.

Turns out, that “something” is gluten. Djokovic’s nutritionist recently discovered that the scrawny Serb is intolerant of the protein. A gluten-free diet later, and voila! He is on fire! In 2011, Djokovic has snatched his second Grand Slam at the Australian Open, taken the world no. 2 spot and scooped up an impressive 42-match winning streak (including four against Nadal, something he’s never accomplished before) in the process. Only 2 other players could beat that record in the history of modern tennis.

- What he’s infamous for: his uncanny impersonations of other high-profile players, from Nadal’s ass-grabbing to Roddick’s serve to Sharapova’s girly movements on court. Hence the nickname – the “Djoker.” Djokovic is a goofball. This is an example of personality trumping looks, making some scrawny-looking dude with a nondescript buzz cut one of the hottest things in the sports world. Well, personality and lots and lots of money. And professional success.

3. Roger Federer – The (Aging) Master

The thing about Rog (yes, my good friend) is that he’s perfect. Even Djokovic said that he couldn’t do an impression of Federer because the Swiss is perfect. Just yesterday a French commentator called him “l’élégance absolue.” One of his sponsors is Rolex, and what could be more perfect than that? It’s widely acknowledged that he’s one of the greatest tennis players the world has ever seen. I won’t bore you with the statistics.

Federer plays with so much control and grace. Every swing of the racquet is a culmination of intelligence and impeccable skills. There’s never any outbursts of anger when he loses, no shrieking when he hits a winner, just one clenched fist and a subdued smile. That’s why when he sheds tears upon winning (or, on the off chance, losing) a championship, everybody cries with him.

And then, he ages. Federer is turning 30 this year and while he probably still has a few years left, it’s likely that the former world No. 1 and the most universally liked athlete the sport has seen in a while, is past his prime. Sadness. (Sidenote: in comparison, the French are notoriously not fond of Nadal, even though his matches are quite something to see. I’m suspecting they don’t fancy his sense of style.)

Oh and he’s also happily married.

Everybody Else

- The Brit: The hopes and dreams of Great Britain lie within the hands and injured ankle of Andy Murray, a young, curly-haired Scotsman. Britain, the host country of the most generous Grand Slam of all – Wimbledon, which is played on grass courts and requires all players to wear white – has yet to see any of its players win a Slam in 75 years.

- The Swede: Robin Soderling remains the only man in the past six years to have ever defeated Nadal on the clay court at Roland Garros.

- The Frenchmen: There were three in the fourth round, but only one – Gael Monfils – advanced to the Quarter Finals. Richard Gasquet was defeated by Djokovic and Gilles Simon by Soderling. But the point is that Gasquet and Simon are so yummilicious. That slender physique, that tousled mop of hair. One of them is likely gay (whichever one doesn’t matter, they’re French). Still, the prettiest things on this orange court, hands down.

- The Americans: Mardy Fish was out in the third round and I don’t know what happened to Andy Roddick, the man with the most powerful serve in the world. He’s married to Brooklyn Decker – a mega-hot Sports Illustrated swimsuit model. Maybe that’s why he disappeared? The Bryan twin is the reigning world no. 1 in Men’s doubles though. We’ll have to settle for that.

We thank you for your faith in our Matchmaking power, and we look forward to serving you again soon! Here are some stories*, variously titled “The Good, The Bad, and The Unexpected,” to round up the whole experience. Two freshman girls had two extremely different experiences, and a Varsity athlete in Eliot House went on a perfect date with a girl who still isn’t quite convinced about his sexual orientation. Maybe he’s too good to be true? Read on and find out for yourself!

*Names have been retracted to protect the privacy of our clients.

The Good:

As a blind dating newbie, my roommate and I decided to be adventurous and do the Voice Matchmaker together. Confused as how these matches would be made after no questions were asked about ourselves and only what we desired in a date, I was blessed by the matchmaking gods and asked to the Adams formal this past Sunday. My roommate graciously lent me a beautiful dress and sent me on my way into the Cambridge cold.

Unable to find the entrance and knowing nothing about my match except for his name, I wandered anxiously until I got a call from my date to invite me inside. Everything about the Adams House formal, whose theme was “Harry Potter,” was beautiful. The House could easily be mistaken for Hogwarts for the night. My date, a senior Adams resident, was extremely sweet and friendly and we wove in through the trees and mystical music to get inside, be sorted, and receive our wands.

Somehow, The Voice found me a perfect date and great new friend. We mingled for the night until he was drawn back to his room to work on his thesis. I am still unsure if the Voice worked its magic, if it was a purely magical night, or if Harvard is just full of truly nice guys. Either way it worked out for me, I had a great time and I hope my date felt the same!

Read on for two extremely “interesting” stories!

The Bad:

As freshmen, my friend and I thought it would be funny to put ourselves into The Voice’s Matchmaker website so we could attend a random house formal and have fun. Sunday morning, I got an email with my date assignment, and immediately I looked him up on the Harvard Facebook. Weird… He wasn’t on it. I knew he had to be a student here, because he had an @fas email account, and yet, he seemed not to exist. A few hours later, I get an email from my mysterious date, asking me to meet up with him for coffee. I was nervous, to say the least, so I made a couple of friends come with me.

When we arrived to the coffee shop, my friends pretended not to know me and watched anxiously from across the shop as my formal date walked in. He was definitely in his 20s, and seemed a bit bizarre. But I wasn’t going to judge the book by its cover and just leave; he could’ve been a nice guy. I quickly realized that was not the case. First, the mystery of his non-existence on the Harvard Facebook was solved: he was an Extension School student. Second, he didn’t seem to have a major, which seemed odd for a supposed junior in college. Lastly, he was rather creepy; my first impression had been spot on. After we got our coffee, there were no seats left inside, but I refused to leave and suggested that we stand, refusing to go anywhere else with him. Five minutes into the coffee “date,” my roommate saved me. After texting her multiple “help” messages, she called me, insisting on the phone that I get home right away because she needed me desperately. I put all my elementary school acting to good work, apologized, and ran out of there as quickly as I could.

Needless to say, I learned that even at Harvard, finding dates online, even as a joke, can potentially be a pretty bad idea.

The Unexpected:

I received an email from “The Voice” informing me of a match for a House formal on Monday, and I knew it was a prank played on me by my mischievous blockmates. My first instinct was to hit reply and politely opt my way out of this. “Online matchmaking” just has a rather negative ring to it, and I wasn’t going to put myself on the line for a potentially creepy/desperate/insert derogatory adjectives here guy.

On second thought, I changed my mind. It was an idle Monday, my mysterious “date” already has an extra ticket, and what did I have to lose, really? A couple of hours more spent agonizing over this English paper? No. I thought this might be worth a shot. Suspicious as I always am, I shot “The Voice” an email begging for more information. I got a reply within minutes assuring me that this guy was a Varsity athlete, tall, and has “a great personality.”

Half an hour later (after having meticulously screened me on Facebook, I’m sure), the date (let’s call him “John”) emailed me, asking if I wanted to get dinner. I was intrigued. Could it be that my abysmal dating life at Harvard was about to change?

We met at a Japanese restaurant, and surprisingly enough, dinner went well. There was the initial awkwardness perfunctory in blind dates, but John was a great conversationalist. He was refreshingly frank and captivating. He knew a little too much about fashion/girly gossip in general, which prompted me to ask, rather facetiously, if he was gay. He assured me that he wasn’t. I felt like I just dodged a bullet. I asked why a guy like him, who clearly seems like he can get a lot of girls by himself, needed a “matchmaking service.” He laughed and said he’s “actually pretty shy,” which I didn’t buy. He finally said he thought it’d be a fun way to meet new people, and he knew the girl who was directing the whole thing, so it’s not like he was going to get matched with “someone crazy.” (I’m glad I passed this one test?)

After dinner, we went back to our respective houses and got ready for formal. Since it was an unexpected affair, I had to enlist my roommate (who, in fact, did enter me into the matchmaking thing out of boredom) to help me get ready. He showed up at my door forty minutes later, clearly surprised by my “transformation.” He even commended my roommate for her “fantastic work,” which earned him some brownie points, but further perpetuate my concern regarding his sexuality.

Whatever, I put all my worries and inhibitions behind and really let myself have fun with this random stranger. In many ways, it was the perfect date. I’m glad that I put myself out there and did something spontaneous for a change. Where is this going to go? I don’t know, but at the very least I had fun. So thanks, The Voice!

From “John”: She’s really great! My only thing was that she seemed overly concerned about her hair. She was constantly afraid that it was messed up, but I really didn’t care! As for the future, I don’t know. We’ll see. My heart is still open!

www.youtube.com/watch?v=2T_obaO46Bo

TGIF--brunch is only t minus 40 hours away!

Also, Canadians know how to celebrate a win. Too bad the Olympics might be punishing them for straight up busting out cigars and bubbly on the ice.

Speaking of the Olympics, a new London logo was just released and it’s REALLY GOOD. At least there are no subtle/strange undertones like the other one (it’s below the awesome one)…I mean, really look at it.

In the spirit of strange logos, Buzzfeed chronicled some of the strangest logos that really look like something else. These are obvs my faves.

STEVE JOBS WANTS TO BRAINWASH YOU. SPOT THE ALIEN.

guys look its an upside down robot and he's reading a book. but he's not happy about it.

self-explanatory

Also, just because I can--you should watch this to kick off your Saturday and laugh at the strange irony and weirdness of it all. But it’s ok…everything will be ok.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=kffacxfA7G4

His hair so crazy. Anyway, America continues to do really well in Vancouver across the board. I asked my British friend downstairs how they were doing and he was unsure if they were even in it. Sorry motherland! Speaking of:

www.youtube.com/watch?v=uZfRaWAtBVg

I feel the same way little one. The same way.

Hey, it is a party in the U.S.A. with all this gold. AMMIRIGHT?