I’ve decided that I want the following to play/be projected on a wall whenever I walk into a room from now on. So watch this, anything I say after it will sound much more important

So now that you know I mean business let’s take on the world.

Today would have been Elvis’ 75th birthday if he had survived that toilet incident. (Unless he’s still alive…just sayin’) This explains why when my friend and I went to the best Tex-Mex restaurant EVAR, Chuy’s, that there was so much Elvis paraphernalia. We even got free face masks with eye-cutouts. They are creepy. I accidentally made a child cry. BUT THIS IS ALL BESIDES THE POINT. In celebration of Elvis’ 75th shebang, someone in this time of great recession had to time to collect ‘Elvis Babies’ which I got a kick out of because it makes my baby pictures look a lot less shameful. I think what we can learn from all of this, though, is that babies are awesome. I have a lot of feelings about this topic so I’ll spare you.

Meanwhile, in the greater world, planes keep getting ATTACKED & THREATENED. What is going on? I’m flying on Sunday and I might need to fall into a radioactive spill and become a member of the X-Men/Women. I don’t even know if that’s how they get their powers–I don’t read comics, sorry. The point is, I am le scared. Today a plane headed for Dubai was landed early because of in-flight threats, and apparently there was a terrorist plot discovered in NYC. It seems as though this might be a necessary purchase:

If that doesn’t work, then I think this woman might be the one to cure all of our flying problems. Just put this granny at the front of the plane and everyone will be too hypnotized by her moves to take any unruly action.

Back to more benign things, Kate Gosselin (you know the one whose popped out eight kids…) well her porcupine/alt lifestyle/asymmetrical haircut is bygones and now she has extensions! Big changes guys, big changes. I mean she got the cover of People for this. But you know what? I support her. Team Kate. Because her ex is a huge douchenozzle that wears Ed Hardy. (I also learned that the designer behind Ed Hardy is also responsible for Affliction and those Von Dutch hats…he must be stopped).

Granted, she does look better//less like an alien. I personally like how her picture & new years resolution of “I’m starting over” is juxtaposed with “secrets of Jersey Shore.” The media makes me so proud.

So, given that Friday evening is encroaching I would like to posit a few goals.

1. Don’t tattoo your eyes. You heard me. This shit is REAL.

2. And beware of America’s true number one threat.

Bears.

With these things in mind, go forth and party like it’s payday.

Also, Texas would have won if Colt didn’t get knocked out. Yes, I’m really bitter.

“Lady Gaga Somehow Becomes Creative Director of Polaroid”

I feel like this one needs little explanation given the sheer “wait, what?” // “that’s brilliant” quality. Clearly the only cure nowadays for good ole Chapter 11 is the Fame Monster.

“Angry Customer Trashes McDonalds”

The video is linked above, but apparently this woman was unhappy with the way her sandwich was made and promptly treated this McDonald’s venue like it was her rock ‘n roll hotel room. She is still on the run. I repeat. She is still on the run.

“Howard Stern Sidekick Artie Lange Stabbed Himself With a 13-Inch Kitchen Knife”

This is incredibly sad. Though he’s currently recovering in the hospital, it seems as though the year of celebrity woes has continued into 2k10.

ALSO

TONIGHT

watch Texas beat ‘Bama.

HOOK ‘EM

cute until he interrupts your Italian dinner date.

This just in! Rats have invaded the North End … or have they?

Residents say these “scary” beasts are keeping their children from sleeping in basements, turning their neighborhoods into a “Third World country” (really, they went there), and “spreading diseases” (we’re guessing they don’t mean parrot fever).

Officials, on the other hand, don’t think there’s actually any cause for concern… though they concede that there have been some “hot spots” lately. Guh-ross. What’s a rat “hot spot”? And more importantly, does it have free wifi?

Seeing as they recently caught 90 rats… NINETY RATS…  in just one case of infestation, we’re sure you’re wondering: do we have anything to fear  seeing as we live just under 4 miles away from this hot rodent mess?

Good news is that they usually travel just within 300 ft to scavenge for food, so we shouldn’t worry yet. Also, did you know they have belly buttons? And before you go “awwww” just think… their front teeth also grow 4½ to 5½ inches yearly but they wear them down by gnawing on everything in sight. Adorable, huh?

Oh honey, my mascara does that smeary thing too sometimes.

In weird Harvard-related news:

A man from Harvard Business School allegedly choked a cop this weekend – while dressed in drag. Naturally he was dolled up for the Priscilla Ball (as in, Priscilla Queen of the Desert) hosted by the HBS Australia and New Zealand club. We hope this all gets sorted out soon and that the officer involved was not hurt in the scuffle. And while we shake our collective heads in shame at their conduct (that’s certainly not the way a lady behaves), we can’t help but chortle a bit. Plus, the word-nerd in us is weirdly excited – ever notice that grad also spells drag?

But certainly the most entertaining/infuriating aspect of this whole affair is the comments left by anonymous users on the source site. And while we certainly agree that Harvard’s image has declined in recent times, we can’t help but ask that random people on the interwebs calm the heck down; a couple rowdy grad students ≠ the end of Harvard and the world as we know it. Read our “favorite”  comments after the jump! Read the rest of this entry »