http://blogs.wickedlocal.com/cambridge/2010/01/25/man-stabbed-in-neck-on-dunster-st-in-harvard-sq/

Hello Kitty + oil + curlers + snowballs = HUPD's January

Just because you go home, that doesn’t mean that HUPD stops working.  That said, the number of police reports did dramatically diminish over the past few weeks.  The decrease in the student body means fewer parties to shut down and fewer laptop thefts.  Even so, the Harvard Police Logs do not fall short when it comes to stories sure to make you laugh, tremble, or simply wonder.

This report from Christmas Eve is actually quite sad.  Don’t laugh.  That was somebody’s Christmas package.  Just picture somebody using all four of these gifts at once.  How happy would she have been then?

12/24/09 6:12 PM – 95 Prescott St. – Theft Report

Officer dispatched to take a report of items stolen from a package.  The package contained a Hello Kitty pajama set valued at $40.00, olive oil valued at $10.00, hair curlers valued at $35.00, and a snowball maker valued at $15.00.

“Damn, did I leave that straightener on?  I should go back and check so I don’t burn down all of Dunster House. It’s so cold out though.  I know.   I’ll just get HUPD to bust into my room and check for me.”

1/10/10 12:23 AM – Dunster House E – Hazardous Condition

Officer dispatched to a report that an individual possibly left their hair straightener on.  Officer arrived and reports the hair straightener was off.

In fairness to the person calling the cops on this one, this was right after the underwear bomber.   Why else would an ice pack be in a bathroom if not sitting for a terrorist to come and stick it in their pants?

1/15/10 11:45 AM – Dental School, 188 Longwood Ave, Boston – Suspicious Package

Officers dispatched to a report of an unattended package in the restroom.  Officers arrived and report the package is an ice pack and is not suspicious.

This last report is what some would call understatement.  See report of machete villain here.

1/21/10 5:24 PM – 1 Peabody St – Assist Cambridge Police

Officers assist CPD in searching the area for an individual who cut another individual and fled the area.  Officers searched the area with negative results.

“Police have been checking the area of The Pit, Brattle Street, and Harvard Yard,” the article continues. So basically, what this means is DON’T SWIPE ANYONE WITH A MACHETE INTO YOUR DORM. I really don’t like how close all of these locations are to the big H homeland. The report came in over dispatch and the suspect allegedly is “between 16-17 years old, 6 feet tall, with blond hair and a black jacket with white stripes.” What bothers me greatly about this is that he should be learning how to drive, maybe going see Avatar, not wearing stripes (they’re not in season), but he’s instead terrorizing the ‘Bridge with a machete. I don’t like this. Not one bit.

Amateur Guestimation of Suspect's Looks by Me

So, if you see any suspicious activity–like a young man/human/crazy person wielding a CRAZY LARGE knife, call the popo and RUN. I think we all know that talking down a machete wielder, no matter how well you did in Psych, is not a great plan. Flee people. Flee. Or invest in a bodyguard. Hey that kid at Georgetown sent out a personal ad for an assistant–if anyone around the Yard feels like pulling a Watchmen (which I may or may not be currently watching on HBO), and protecting us all (specifically me), from the Machete Man, just hit me up. Via e-mail. Don’t hit me.