Oh children of this generation, why have you not learned that everything spreads faster than herpes in the Jersey Shore house? This little gem came across our virtual doorstep this morning, and we can’t decide whether to be disturbed, laugh, or run for the bloody hills. How about you decide?

“Hey you (yes, I mean you ladies),

A wise man once said that a rich man can find no compensation for his time wasted on helping those who, though they may have asked for it (and wish it with all of their hearts), do not need or deserve such aid and may be viewed through vengeful eyes as the contemptuous bribe of a vain individual lacking ambition and sympathy all at the same time. Speaking of which the Freshman Formal (otherwise known in some circles as the “Snow Ball”) is approaching, slowly but surely, with each day that passes. Its eventual arrival cannot, to my knowledge, be stopped so I will cut to the chase. Out of the entire freshman class, I have selected you select few as recipients to receive something that few, if any, unselected individuals will ever have the chance to receive. Yes, you have guessed it (or have you?), I am extending the invitation to accompany me to said event. While you may be skeptical, I have planned for this by including a list of qualifications that make me the perfect person to have a splendid few awkward freshman hours with at our hallowed dance/shin-dig. They are as follows:

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