For girls: Write your number on your bra and toss it to attractive passersby from your window.  “Top of the Hub,” you say, batting your eyelashes, “Interested?”  “I like being on top,” your date replies.  Eyebrow wiggle.  And then you can work out the details on the phone, because you just (sort of) exchanged numbers.  Of course, this can also work for guys who wear bras.

For guys: Write your number on your boxers and toss it to attractive passersby from your window.  “When Hell Freezes Over,” you say, flexing abs that your target can’t see but can inevitably sense are rock-hard and recently oiled, “We can grind all night long.”  “Douchebag,” s/he yells in disgust, stomping away, leaving you to wonder what part of your invitation was offensive.

All right, this would work better with a different formal theme.  But anyway, if you’re a girl who wears boxers, you should give it a shot, too.

Variations of this technique include asking your potential date to coffee and personally handing them the undergarment (perhaps while throwing in quick caress of the wrist) when you part ways, and stuffing said undergarment into his/her backpack during section after you scribble your invite in his/her notes.

Now, we realize this may come off as a bit forward.  As countless posts on HarvardFML indicate, while Harvard students are leaders in their academic and extracurricular pursuits, they can be incredibly timid in the realm of romance.  The Voice would like to see Harvardians applying the assertiveness they demonstrate in HMUN meetings to dating.  That said, winter formals don’t even have to be real dates–they often aren’t!  You can totally rub up against people in a platonic way!  It happens on the T all the time!  Besides, you just gave a stranger your number on your bra, who do you think is in the position of power?

Here’s a reminder of what’s going down.

Adams: Harry Potter Winter Formal

Dec. 5, 10 p.m.-2 a.m. @ Dhall

Dunster: Wintry Things

Dec. 8, 10 p.m.-2 a.m. @ Dhall

Eliot: When Hell Freezes Over

Dec. 6, 10 p.m.-2 a.m. @ Dhall

Kirkland: Holiday Dinner and Dance

Dec. 4, 10 p.m.-2 a.m. @ Dhall

*restricted to Kirkland residents  (IncestFest…lol)

Leverett: Night at the Top

Dec. 2, 9 p.m.-1 a.m @ Top of the Hub Skywalk Observatory at the Prudential Center

Lowell: Yule Ball

Dec. 4, 9:30 p.m.-2:30 a.m. @ JCR

Mather+Winthrop Winter Formal

Dec. 3, 9:30 p.m.-1:30 a.m. @ Sheraton Commander Hotel

*restricted to Mather/Winthrop residents and their dates

The Quad: ICED

Dec. 5, 10 p.m.-2 a.m. @ Westin Hotel

Quincy: Aurora

Dec. 4, 10 p.m.-2 a.m. @ Dhall

For Freshmen: A Midwinter Night’s Dream

Jan. 28, 9 p.m.-1 a.m. @ Boston Park Plaza

*restricted to freshmen

And then sometimes we get this:

Yeah, so anyway.

Some of you may have noticed that the submission process for Harvard FML is a bit different now. Instead of typing in your FML on the home page, you must now go to a submit page.

Although we realize this may cause some inconvenience on behalf of our readers, our previous method of collecting submissions was a bit glitchy (it was cutting off submissions, not processing submissions all together, etc.) so we had to resort to a separate submit page.

If you’re a computer whiz and can help us figure out a simple way of returning it to the old process of submission-through-homepage, shoot us an email at thehvoicemail@gmail.com.

Enjoy the rest of your summer!

Yes, the sermon was about Harvard FML.

Perhaps the greatest part of the sermon is hearing Reverend Page read aloud some of the embarrassing and outrageous posts from Harvard FML. Yet, he also explores with a critical eye the nature and the “disturbing” mentality that the website fosters, warning against the kind of cynical reduction which the three letters, “FML” may propose.

“Expressing frustration through FML might work, instead of just saying ‘don’t worry, be happy’…but is it ideal? Is that the way we should cope with the bumps of our life?” Page asks. “Everytime something bad happens you shrug it off with the phrase, ‘F my life.’”

Reverend Page strikes a chord in every Harvard student’s heart when he warns against seeing the world “through FML glasses.”

“You turn a written assignment, which might be an opportunity for learning and expanding your horizons, into a burden,” he says. “You take the complex world of relationships into the simple calculus of sex.”

Yet, Harvard FML does seem to have some redeeming qualities. Page explores some of the more serious FML posts that express deep pain, the ones that use FML as “a coping mechanism,” making light of difficult situations “so that others may see.”

He quotes a few of these painful FML’s: “April 26: ‘I’m 19 and I have a drinking problem. What am I supposed to do when I am allowed to drink?’” The one great benefit of Harvard FML, Reverend Page suggests, is that it is a forum for people who feel that they have no one else to go to.

Page ends the sermon by saying that perhaps we need the presence of God instead of ” shifting responsibility to some nebulous ‘out there.’”

The Voice appreciates Reverend Page’s critical take on Harvard FML and is glad to see that the website has fostered much discussion, even research papers, around the phenomenon.

You can listen to the sermon online (or download it) here.

See our April 2009 issue on a profile of Reverend Jon Page.

The Voice Vixen is a collective username used by members and non-members of The Voice (girls AND guys) who wish to contribute articles related to sex, relationships, or lack thereof. Email us a piece to get published anonymously at thehvoicemail@gmail.com.

“I settle for a new hookup each weekend since no guy here wants a relationship. FML”

- HarvardFML, November 9, 2010

I’m tired of it. There have been a countless number of FML’s submitted by girls at this college who echo the sentiments of the statement above. Here’s the scenario: girl wants a relationship. Girl assumes the best way to do so is to hook up with every dangly piece of manmeat available. Girl ends up getting hurt after realizing dangly piece of manmeat is only seeking dangly parts of girlflesh.

Aw yeah. Get some.

Ladies, I’ve been there before. My freshman year was one filled with sexcapades galore — some with the hopes of a relationship, others not

so much. All involved some form of alcohol. The best lesson I learned though is not to give in to the theory that having a hookup is the only path to having a relationship. While there are some exceptionally rare cases (I’m sure there out there somewhere, although I’ve yet to see one), it doesn’t happen. You may think that a guy is really into you because he’s like, totally feeling you up on the dancefloor and whispering sweet nothings into your ear. You may think that a guy is really into you because you guys had like, a totally awesome conversation in bed the morning after. And he even walked you home! What a fucking gentleman! So you wait for him to contact you for lunch or dinner or something. And wait. And wait some more. Nothing.

Are these guys assholes? No. They’re just guys. But more than that, they’re guys who got the wrong impression from you. Listen lady, if you’re willing to wear a skimpy little outfit to a sweaty dancefloor, leave with some dude, do the pantless dance, and then give him a nice kiss goodbye…he’s probably 1) not looking for a relationship and 2) probably thinks that you’re not looking for a relationship either.

“Be a total bitch.” This is the best advice a guy has ever given me. What was the question I asked him? It was basically, “How do I express interest in a relationship without being a total slut?” And he told me to be a bitch. Did you just meet a dude? Great. Is he trying to stick his tongue down your throat? Okay, fine. Is he trying to manhandle your ladyparts? STOP. Be a bitch. Tell him no. He’ll get the point. If a guy is really into you, he’ll take the time and effort to get to know you instead of jumping straight to the goods. If he isn’t looking for something like that, he just won’t call or text or Gchat or Facebook you or whatever it is people do these days to stay in touch with would-be partners. And you’ll know that you should move on.

What do you think?

Here's a bunch of pictures of a facially expressive cat to make you feel better.

Dear PreFroshies,

Don’t worry that’s not what we really call you, that’s just a term of endearment we’re using for the sake of this letter. The Voice runs a little thing called Harvard FML. It’s really for us undergrads here at the school (and occasionally a sex-starved grad student) but you often send us anonymous submissions too. Like this recent one that didn’t quite make the cut:

“I’m two months away from graduating from High School and I’m pretty nervouse and scared!!”

We didn’t post it— not because we don’t like you or because you spelled nervous wrong. But we wanted to acknowledge it anyway. Don’t worry little pepper pot. College is going to be fabulous (that is if you are going to college and you are going to Harvard… otherwise we’re not sure why you’re on this site or posting on our FML so we can’t make guarantees). Harvard pretty much spoils its students— and especially you Freshmen. You’ll make lots of friends because everyone wants friends and no one will know you fell on your face in your high school’s production of The Music Man because the hem on your costume was too long. My, my that was oddly specific. But I REALLY digress:

Chill out. Enjoy your senior spring, and do try your best to shake your senioritis before you get here. Even then it’s not the end of the world.

Love,

The Voice

55 comments & counting.

I think it’s time to go regress and watch episodes of Arthur. Putting on the Christmas onesie…

by Ingrid Pierre ‘12
December 2009 Issue

Dear Undergrads,

If you thought four days of Thanksgiving break were hard, try this newly extended break on for size. J-Term? More like “J-Terminate me, now”! Some of you may wonder, what’s so bad about several weeks of continuous break with family-members-who-love-you-dearly-and-haven’t-seen-you-in-months-and-want-to-catch-up-really-badly-but-not-before-you-show-them-how-to-work-skype-so-you-can-call-grandma-and-then-fix-the-TV-that’s-been-broken-since-you-left-because-no-one-else-knows-how-to-do-it? (Yeah…) Perhaps that’s assuming a great deal about your home life. But that’s just the thing; you do have a home life and a Harvard life. And if you’re an ordinary person, you should know that there’s a clear distinction between the two.

So for those of you who may not know what you’re in for this break, we’ve come up with a little advice on how to ease back into Kansas, Dorothy.

Social Etiquette:

• If someone asks you about school, just smile and say it’s all good. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT mention how horrible CS50 was or bring up any readings and assignments in conversation. No one cares. We mean it. Also, tone down the big words and use of obscure eponymous adjectives. While you may fling around a “panegyric”, “heteronormative”, or “Aeschylean” on the daily here, everyone else will think you’re a tool.
• Don’t wear your COOP approved Harvard gear in public. Keep a low profile, and don’t rub it in people’s faces that you go here, besides any schmoe can get a Harvard shirt. I mean your cousins probably wear theirs all the time (for the ladies, of course).
  
• When watching movies and TV shows with friends, keep your mouth shut. Don’t point out historical inaccuracies, grammatical mistakes, physics FAILS, or try to indicate where someone is making a clever Henry Darger reference. Unless, of course you did that before you went here and then we’re pretty sure the only friends you’d have would be right there along with you.
• If you go on television for any reason over break, please don’t make us look bad. We suffered enough with that chick on Season 10 of America’s Next Top Model. (Tyra: Who was your favorite English literature heroine? EmbarassmentToHarvard: I didn’t pay that much attention in those classes.)

Personal Hygiene/Maintenance:

• Normal people sleep. You no longer have to pull all-nighters. If you find yourself going to bed at 3 and four in the morning, rethink this.  Along the same lines, waking up at 11 or 12 AM because you only have one class in the afternoon is a college-only custom. I know you may have forgotten what with the budget cuts, but the most important meal of the day is breakfast, not brain break. If you find that your sleep schedule is severely screwed up, try what we call a “hard reset”. That is stay up all night so that you’ll be tired earlier in the day, possibly even by 10 PM. Be warned, this technique only works for some and could severely backfire on you (read: falling asleep at noon). Also, do not schedule time to operate heavy machinery on reset day. And if all else fails, read some Hegel if you want to get the sleep you desire.
• Wearing sweats all day urrr-vryday, wearing pajamas outside the house… not okay. Don’t make us all look lazy.
• Enjoy your new ability to poop in total privacy, without having to share with an entire floor of dirty college kids. If you’re a guy that is. We all know that girls don’t poo.
• Keep busy. Take up gardening, contra-dancing, or needlepoint if you don’t have anything lined up. Trust us. Your Harvardian neurosis will kick in and you’ll be as jittery as a junkie stranded in rural Singapore.  Or worse, you’ll lay comatose for days on end catching up on all four seasons of Dexter, eventually resorting to shows on the CW like The Vampire Diaries. Shudder.

Familial Relations:

• Do not ask mom or dad or grandparents if they can make you a grilled cheese sandwich. That’s a HUDS deal, only at Harvard. You’re an adult now; make your own damn sandwich. Along those lines, if you want to make a parent happy, do your own laundry (that is, if your wealthy HSA-spoiled ass was doing your own laundry to begin with).
• Don’t show mom and dad Harvard FML or ISawYouHarvard. No one likes a hovering guardian, plus they’ll likely email us, and frankly, we have our own parents to deal with.
• If you have siblings in different colleges, encourage mom and dad to put their college’s stickers on the car too. Harvard FTW, but this will ease household tensions, trust us (of course you know you’re the favorite child, but why rub it in?).

That’s all for now. In any case, you’re pretty smart aren’t you? You can figure it out as you go along.

Best of luck,
The Voice

Image author unknown, source: stock.xchng

October 3, 2009: Damn it. My roommate came back while I was in the shower again. Singing. Loudly. No, I’m not in any of the a capella groups. WHY THE EFF IS PARTY IN THE U.S.A. SO DAMN CATCHY. I want my testicles back. I feel like R. Kelly. She’s like 11. But…I just want to move my hips like yeah. I guess I never got the memo…

These bros dig Taylor Swift. Do you?

October 23, 2009: On my run today “Nobody’s Perfect,” came on and I got caught at a light and couldn’t cross—and not realizing how loud it was playing and how much I was bobbing my head, a little girl, about the age of 12….yeah definitely 12, laughed at me. She laughed at me. I’m just going to Hemenway and watching some Ultimate Fighting while I pump iron. Just after I finish running to “Best of Both Worlds.”

October 31, 2009: There is a girl here. At Heaven and Hell. And she is dressed as Miley Cyrus. Want. Want so bad.

November 9, 2009: Miley is in Boston tonight. At the Fleet Center. I might tell my roommates that I’m going to the gym and try to scalp tickets. I really…I just want to party in the U.S.A.

30 minutes later: I’m standing in the nosebleeds next to a five-party group of tweens. They know every word. I’m singing along with them. We are high-fiving. This is the best night of my life. I want a t-shirt.

2 hours later: Roommates will never know. They can’t.

November 12, 2009: Fuck, Taylor Swift has a new song out. It has 37 plays on my iTunes. I want to jump and fall with you Taylor. Quit dating that vampire and going for Jonas Brothers. I’m a laxbro. That’s more impressive. Also, I go to Harvard. Just, you know, come over…jump…then fall into me. It will work out. We can wake up in time for hot breakfast. I’ll serve you some eggs. I’m seeing the beginning of a beautiful relationship. We can just breathe together and talk about how much Joe Jonas is a douchebag and how Kevin is marrying a beautician and Nick never stops talking about his diabetes and I’m sure that gets annoying at family dinners. I’ll shine for you Taylor. And we can talk about fighting and kissing in the rain, and we can do that. It rains a lot here. It will start snowing soon, but we can modify the song for our purposes…I would even go after Kanye for you. And I wouldn’t let him finish; I would punch him in the face. That was your moment Taylor. Let’s go to a final club. Drinks on the Phoenix. Don’t make me call Lady GaGa.

Want to suggest a “Diary of a…” episode? Email thehvoice(at)gmail(dot)com.

The shirt design. Dear Yale: FYL.

The Harvard-Radcliffe Orchestra released its t-shirt design for Harvard-Yale. Its design trumps all the other clubs’ designs. And we’re being totally unbiased. Okay, not really. The shirts are a fun nod to Harvard FML and present a simple way of saying “YOU SUCK” to Yale.

So next week, when myriads of student groups wave their tempting shirts at you, you should make a beeline for these babies.

Yale FML has also taken the initiative to create collegefml.com. “Want to start an FML for your school or become a moderator for your school’s FML?” the site reads. Looks like The Voice has created a monster. Sorry, world.

What are your thoughts on Yale FML?