Noice. // daily blog of The Voice at Harvard » graduate students

RelationshipsFML: Everyone Has Time

Some Dude — Mon, 18 Apr 2011 13:48:12 +0000

Hi all! You may know me as a prolific commenter on HarvardFML; this is my new and improved means of doling out relationship advice! My apologies for my two-month absence – I got crazy busy, as happens from time to time. Anyway, got a question you want to ask, or a situation you want thoughts and advice on? Email me at somedude.harvardfml@gmail.com, and watch this space for my answer! River House asks,

Last week, a grad student friend/romantic interest whom I met last summer took me out. Last summer, I’d always freaked out because he was pretty aggressive and I was still a virgin. Last week, we had a great time going to a couple of bars and talking, and we ended up in bed at his place. He says he doesn’t want to be in a relationship because he’s busy, but I can’t stop thinking about him. I think I want something more than just sex, but I’m not sure what. So my question is, how do you think he sees me? Do you think he sees me as a potential girlfriend or just some slam piece? He’s definitely someone I would want to date in like 3 years, but I can’t see myself dating him now. Is there a way to position myself so that he will want to date me in the future?

I think you hit the nail right on the head with how you framed your ultimate question: “Is there a way to position myself so that he will want to date me in the future?” That is exactly the right way to think about this.

Let’s be clear from the start: this guy may be a tough nut to crack. You may think your options are roughly (a) change his mind about dating, (b) continue to see him but not be emotionally attached, or (c) look elsewhere. I think that’s the wrong way to look at it though, because to make this work you’re going to do all three at once. Let’s examine the situation and see how that would work.

This grad student is interested in you, but I think his interest in you is currently friend-with-benefits-like. There’s been some build-up of attraction on his end already since last summer. The question now is what you do with it. And the biggest problem you have there is that you don’t see yourself as worthy of him, which is total nonsense.

Guys care much less about relative maturity than girls do, so this is an impediment on your end, not his. While obviously there are varying degrees of maturity, I think you exaggerate the difference between yourself and a grad student. Don’t sell yourself short; the gap is smaller than you think. Maturity is only knowing when and where you can be immature.

Also, your grad student is not too busy to be in a relationship. No one is. A few years ago I dated an older girl, who had graduated, had a real job, and drove a whole hour (one way) to spend nights with me twice a week. I had projects and papers and extracurriculars that kept me busy pretty much 24/7. But we made the time. You can always make the time. It’s never a question of ability, it’s a question of willingness. If you feel strongly enough about each other, choosing to make each other a priority isn’t a hard choice.

Of course, you’ll need for the grad student to feel strongly enough about you to make that choice for this to work, and this is the challenging part! I think the grad student sees you as more than just a random hookup, but I don’t think he knows or is even actively contemplating exactly what you mean to him. Nevertheless, you’re in a good position – you can shape exactly what you want him to think of you as. Your job right now is to put it in his mind that he wants to see more of you, and that he is pursuing you. How? Run! …But not so fast that you actually leave him behind.

Don’t be clingy – see him no more than once a week on average, and communicate with him no more than three times a week outside of that on average. I trust that you two know how to have a good time. While you’re with him, try turning up the attraction. Abstinence would be going too far, but be careful not to lay on the sex too heavily; if you have sex every single time you go over to his place (or he comes over to your dorm) he will increasingly see you as someone he has sex with, not someone he’s pursuing. That is, when you feel so inclined, reward his persistence at the end of a night. Don’t be so eager for it – even if you actually are. “That which we obtain too easily we esteem too lightly” – by making yourself a little harder to get you make him value you more.

Hope that helps! Let me know what happens!

Special thanks to Bethany Harris, Sarah Luebke, Caleb Thompson, and Benjamin Viscount Nelson. Email Some Dude at somedude.harvardfml@gmail.com.

Assault On A Cop? What A Drag…

The Voice Staff — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 02:00:27 +0000

Oh honey, my mascara does that smeary thing too sometimes.

In weird Harvard-related news:

A man from Harvard Business School allegedly choked a cop this weekend – while dressed in drag. Naturally he was dolled up for the Priscilla Ball (as in, Priscilla Queen of the Desert) hosted by the HBS Australia and New Zealand club. We hope this all gets sorted out soon and that the officer involved was not hurt in the scuffle. And while we shake our collective heads in shame at their conduct (that’s certainly not the way a lady behaves), we can’t help but chortle a bit. Plus, the word-nerd in us is weirdly excited – ever notice that grad also spells drag?

But certainly the most entertaining/infuriating aspect of this whole affair is the comments left by anonymous users on the source site. And while we certainly agree that Harvard’s image has declined in recent times, we can’t help but ask that random people on the interwebs calm the heck down; a couple rowdy grad students ≠ the end of Harvard and the world as we know it. Read our “favorite” comments after the jump!

The BEST or WORST of random internet comments on BostonHerald.com

From the racist and redonk:

townie52: revoke the student visas and send home with a “do not return”
Meme: Idiots. Send them back to whatever country they came from.
misstori1958: Don’t you wonder why he’s going to school in the U.S. rather than Lebanon??? Afraid of falling bombs!

The “Screw you, elitist bastards!” trope:

tweeker: typical superior attitude from another poor little rich kid who’s used to having his way and believing he’s above the law. whaaaattt?? i have to live by the rules that everyone else lives by? my trust fund says i don’t have to!!!

A weird combination of the above:

albialbi: harvard will teach you how to become a nerd but wont teach you to be street smart china man, like you DO NOT argue with cops…the real world does not operate like your $5000/month condo your daddy is paying…or your $200,000 degree you can use when you go to the restroom….but money well spend since now your record has more value that your harvard education

The random tie-in to Affirmative Action?

Stirthepot2: Saying you went to Harvard used to mean something. Now they are just another school putting up with crap in the name of diversity.

And noice’s personal favorite,
The poorly spelled and formatted “Obama LIES!” troll:

Squirrels: OMG it was BARRACk or excuse me BARRY dressed up and causing another problem…OK MAYBE now we will learn who BARRACK really is ?

Oh freedom of speech, you never fail to deliver. With this kind of amusement gratis, who cares if Hulu’s going to start charging?

Lunchtime Alternative: Dudley House’s Café Gato Rojo

Qichen Zhang — Thu, 01 Oct 2009 06:08:18 +0000

Noice's alternative to soggy PB&Js at FlyBy.

Let’s face it–that line at Flyby down in freezing-cold Loker is never going to get shorter before 1pm, so it’s time to find new digs to refuel after Mankiw’s lecture on… whatever. (Not like anyone was listening.) Next time, venture into Café Gato Rojo, almost hidden between Grays and Matthews and nestled in a nook underneath Dudley House, for a quick cappuccino and for a nice respite from the lunchtime fury.

With a conscientious menu of fair-trade coffees, Gato Rojo also offers muffins, scones, and other baked goods made fresh daily. For those not inclined toward caffeine (to which we say “WTF”), a generous selection of bottled juices, loose teas, and other beverages are also available. Not only do they take Crimson Cash, but a small coffee only costs around a buck. Read more about the hipster invasion at Dudley’s premiere lunch spot after the jump.

Enjoy your light lunch in the dimly-lit but cozy comfort of the quaint coffee house in large leather armchairs in the middle of the room. Don’t be shocked at the number of people wearing Wayfarers paired with tattered rugs masquerading as scarves; the café is frequented by musty-smelling and pasty-looking grad students trying to find self-actualization by downing three espressos in a row. Anyone hoping to check up on email before class in WiFi-hating Sanders shouldn’t be surprised if he/she can’t grab a table, as customers hover near the few outlets like gnats. But if nothing else, let the jazz music in the background give you a false impression of your French sophistication–and the fact that you’re surrounded by neon-pants-wearing hipsters reading about the anguish of modernity for their afternoon philosophy class bring you back to earth.

Er–I mean, Harvard.

Photo courtesy of Carrots ‘N’ Cake Blog.