Damn son.

Ron and Harry never had to wait in line at the Great Hall, right? Omnomnomnom!

image credits: Heidi Lim and HarryPotterGIF.tumblr.com

U GUYZZZ I HOPE I GET INTO ELIOT HAUS!!!!!111 NOW SIGN MY SHIRT

We just heard about the most EPIC party. No, seriously. It’s a slumber party. For the freshmen. On the night of March 10th, 2010. Which just happens to coincide with the night of, uh, RIVER RUN.

After reading the description of the event on Facebook, we wanted to weep. Are these the kinds of lies we’re feeding the young ones these days? That the night before Housing Day, you’re supposed to wriggle into your cute jammies, bring a few pillows, and scrawl on cheap Hanes t-shirts with markers that are probably already too dry? That the night before Housing Day, you are to partake in this “much-cherished pre-Housing Day sleepover ritual”? (Note to freshmen: It’s not.)

Listen up, freshmen. The night before Housing Day (called “River Run” for you n00bz) is not meant for your ass to be wiping the gross, pillow-strewn floors of Annenberg whilst decorating cute shirts. The night before Housing Day is a night meant not to be remembered, but blurrily and hazily recalled the morning after (“I puked WHERE last night?!”). The night before Housing Day is a night in which a flask is highly advised. The night before Housing Day is a night  in which you are meant to go wild, party like you’re at a normal college like Tufts, and pay homage to the River Gods in any way possible.

[Disclaimer: The Voice does not endorse underage drinking or vandalism or fires.]

It looks like the College has decided to poop on Housing Day Eve as a whole. See the new policies after the jump. Class of 2013…looks like you’re SOL. Lucky number 13, eh? 

New Housing Day Eve policies:
• No Boats. Students who build boats in their rooms, and attempt to take
them from the Yard to the River will be stopped by HUPD officers who
will be stationed at various Yard Gates. Boats will be confiscated.
Students may not launch their boats on the Charles River (or any body of
water) because of the prohibition against open fires and because of the
litter and mess left in the River by these boats.
• No Fires. Open fires are prohibited by Cambridge City Ordinance.
• No underage public consumption of alcohol. Security Guards, Harvard
University Police, Cambridge Police, and the Massachusetts State Police
will be enforcing local laws regarding alcohol consumption.

“Hey you (yes, I mean you ladies),

A wise man once said that a rich man can find no compensation for his time wasted on helping those who, though they may have asked for it (and wish it with all of their hearts), do not need or deserve such aid and may be viewed through vengeful eyes as the contemptuous bribe of a vain individual lacking ambition and sympathy all at the same time. Speaking of which the Freshman Formal (otherwise known in some circles as the “Snow Ball”) is approaching, slowly but surely, with each day that passes. Its eventual arrival cannot, to my knowledge, be stopped so I will cut to the chase. Out of the entire freshman class, I have selected you select few as recipients to receive something that few, if any, unselected individuals will ever have the chance to receive. Yes, you have guessed it (or have you?), I am extending the invitation to accompany me to said event. While you may be skeptical, I have planned for this by including a list of qualifications that make me the perfect person to have a splendid few awkward freshman hours with at our hallowed dance/shin-dig. They are as follows:

*I have received the H1N1 vaccination

*I am not a bee

*I can bench press 250… kilograms

*I am the captain of the Harvard Table Tennis Team ™

*I have a way with word (but don’t know how the fuck to use excel)

*I’m the boss

*I am the streets

*I live by three rules: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lDxvxbgtXj4&feature=related (see 3:18)

*I can beat Caster Semenya in a race

*I cannot beat Caster Semenya in an arm wre stling contest

*I cannot tell a lie

*I was born in a log cabin surrounded by the most wondrous pine trees the human eye has ever had the pleasure to gaze upon

*I can play the didgeridoo

*I bathe in synergy and lavender

*My voice has been called a combination of Morgan Freeman, Luciano Pavarotti, and Stephen Hawking

*I’m not from Miami, trick

*I once needed to tell Bob Marley to relax

*I once reprimanded Chuck Norris for being a wussy

*I founded the Nobel Prize, the Polio vaccine, and France

*I can draw a perfect circle with my left hand

*I am right handed

*I know every language (including parseltongue), but then again I should since I invented them

*I have a formidable stamp collection

*I have never lost at Bingo

*I am planning on studying to become a football player doctor astronaut (at least for my day job)

*etc…

Some of my statistics include:

Height: excellent

Body fat percentage: -5

Abs: optimum

Rating (1-10): 8.7

Likes: things pertaining to awesome

Enough said. Please RSVP by January 22, I will accept payment for my ticket by cash or check. See you then.

Good luck with the application process,

[redacted]”

UHHH.

Soon, the view from your window will look like this.

Hey Californian froshies,

You might have noticed that the nights are getting colder.

No, Noice isn’t referring to your lack of a lover. We’re referring to the temperature. With lows hitting the 40′s and the imminent threat of bitter cold on the horizon, now is probably the time you start to regret turning down Stanford.

That’s especially true if you didn’t heed the warnings about the frozen pit that is Boston (“Last year at Harvard-Yale someone got frostbite.. Despite wearing two pairs of wool socks!” “I forgot to dry my hair once and it turned crispy when I walked outside!” etc). We understand. Cold is a pretty foreign concept when you’re used to just palm trees and sunshine.

Luckily, Noice is here to help you naive warm weather babies out, in case you forgot to buy a balaklava before shipping up.

Step 1:

Did you buy a coat simply because it looked good? Go return it. Now. Get a new one that’s five inches thick and goes down to your ankles. Sure, you might resemble the Michelin man and have trouble tying your shoelaces, but you’ll be nice and toasty!

What to wear: Giles Deacon has it right

Step 2:

Eat lots of spicy stuff. Put cayenne pepper in your soup, on your burgers, in your spinach rice casserole. Looking to rev up your morning? Start your day off with a delicious bowl of chili flake-dusted Honey Nut Scooters!

Step 3:

Body heat! There’s power in numbers. Pull a Cho Chang and walk to your classes in flocks.

Or, you could…

Step 4:

Skip class altogether and avoid going outside. Hibernate in your room with a warm mug of hot cocoa.

In the end, don’t worry too much. Cambridge winters aren’t really all that bad, and Noice promises that there’s a pretty high chance you’ll emerge in the spring with all of your toes intact! No guarantees about your fingers, though.

Hot breakfast delicacy: Pizza with egg on top.

Recently (and by “recently” we mean this morning), Noice emerged from its cozy riverside home to traverse the Yard and into those forgotten depths of Annenberg, that hallowed hall of yesteryear, in search of hot breakfast, the forgotten delicacy which upperclassmen can now only dream of.

Indeed, the hot breakfast was found, but to our great dismay, it was not as delightful as our anticipatory minds made it out to be. In fact, it was actually kind of bad. The difference between those inferior, cold plates of upperclassman breakfasts and these silver platters of toasty meals can be broken down into a simple list:

That Which Annenberg Hath Which Upperclassmen Hath Not

• Sausages
• Pizzas with eggs on top
• Tasteless potatoes
• Tasteless eggs

That’s all.

Perhaps this is simply an anomaly — perhaps Noice arrived on a bad morning? Nevertheless, Noice gives Ye Olde Annenberg Breakfast 2 out of 5 stars.