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So according to this article from the Huffington Post, it looks like Larry Summers is leaving his post as the director of Obama’s Economic Council, and will be returning to the Harvard faculty in the coming year.

For those who aren’t up on their university lore, Larry Summers served as Harvard president from 2001-2006, resigning amidst controversy surrounding his comment about the “innate differences” between the abilities of women and men in science and math, as reason for women’s under-representation at elite universities.

Voice Jury is still out on this one.

Recently announced at a panel with various sociology and African-American Studies professors, Harvard plans to offer a course on the HBO series “The Wire,” a show about slum life in Baltimore. William J. Wilson, a self-admitted follower of the show and who will teach “Social Structure and culture in the Study of Race and Urban Poverty” this spring, will assume teaching responsibilities for the new course, which is already stirring up excitement among student fans. Sonja Sohn, who plays Kima Greggs, was also present at the panel.

To which we say… when are we going to see “The Theory of Arrested Development” on the course selection tool?

So, now that you know what these mysterious designations mean, you’re probably going to want to know how it’s going to benefit you.  To find the answer, we went through one of the Harvard College Scholarship letters and translated the Harvard-ese into a more practical form:

To: Recipients of Harvard College Scholarships
From: Evelynn Hammonds, Dean of Harvard College
Date: October 2009

The addition of a scanned signature of Evelynn M. Hammonds is, I believe, to show you how much she cares about the students.

I write to congratulate you on being designated a Harvard College Scholar for the 2008-2009 academic year.

Translation: Congratulations, turns out you weren’t an admissions mistake.

The scholarship is honorary, it carries no stipend, but it signifies the College’s pride in your superior academic achievement.

Translation: And to thank you for doing all that hard work, we’re going to pay you all the money we have left after last year’s financial crisis (which, just so you know, is $0.00).  Sucker.

You may wish to know a bit of the history of our scholarships.

Translation: We’re going to tell you a story about the good old days when “scholarship” didn’t mean “money.”

Years ago, virtually all students paid for the cost of their College education from either their own or their families’ resources.

Translation: All you awful poor and middle-income people are positively bankrupting us.  Help a college out and go to State U, okay?

Over time, various scholarship funds were established to provide assistance to needy students who were performing well academically.  Naturally it became an honor to win one of these scholarships, although competition was limited to those in financial need. The Faculty established the Harvard College Scholarships in the 1890s so that students of high academic achievement would receive commendation from the College, even if they were not receiving financial aid. Now all students are eligible for these honorary scholarships, regardless of financial status.

Translation: No, really, stop asking us for money, guys.  Isn’t it enough that you got in to this fine, upstanding institution that loves to reward merit so much?

With this award I want to convey our best wishes and high hopes for your future.

Translation: Okay, now that we’ve given you the Harvard Seal of Approval, you are no longer allowed to screw up. Maybe in ten or twenty years, we’ll even reward you for your continued achievements by asking you for donations.

In short, these designations might be useful for padding an empty resume, but otherwise, they’re mostly useful for sending home to your parents to show what a wonderful son or daughter you are.  Thank you, Harvard.

1:00 p.m. – Still have seven minutes before class starts. I show up on Harvard time because I can. Because I’m a sexy teacher. Because half the class is hott for teacher. Because I grade their papers and they undress me with their eyes.

1:07 p.m. – Yeah, that girl just swooned a little. Eye contact averted with her. Good class today. I’m feeling it. Let’s talk about sadomasochism shall we?

1:13 p.m. – Wow that girl just accidentally said “orgasm,” instead of “organism.” She has since gone to the bathroom. Can’t wait for her to come back.

1:17 p.m. – Oh, she came back. No need for any more blush today.

1:20 p.m. – Did someone seriously just ask me if I’ve ever experimented with this stuff? We’re reading “Venus of Furs,” this is not an episode of Maury. God, I look good today.

1:23 p.m. – Yeah, I told them I have. My evaluations are going to be so good this year.

1:34 p.m. – Okay, there are limits to this staring thing. That guy in the corner is so hung-over right now it’s hilarious. He better not puke on the floor. 1. That would mess with my good vibes 2. Shit’s gross.

1:38 p.m. – So only half the class actually did the reading and I’ve spent most of the time fielding pseudo-dodging-around-the-bush types of questions that concern my personal life. No, I do not have a swing in my apartment. No I have never been in a situation akin to that of the Vandersex scene in Eurotrip. Though…there was Natasha…

1:43 p.m. – Someone just said (and I quote), “I mean it’s like you know, when that thing happens, you know? Like…” Is this Harvard?

1:48 p.m. – Someone has since taken over the floor and they have been talking for five minutes. I don’t even know what they’re saying anymore. Lots of empty rhetoric in this room right now. Lots of it. Leaves a lot of open time for staring. Lots of staring. But also, there are people here that wanted to learn something today and they’re about to axe that kid in the face. Even I want to shut him up.

1:53 p.m. – He’s still talking. Still. Facepalm.

1:55 p.m. – I just interrupted him and now people love me even more. Someone just winked at me. Maybe in a few years Miley. Maybe. What’s that song again, “in about three years, holla at me Miley Cyrus.” That’s how I feel about this class.

2:00 p.m. – Bells are finally ringing. There are ALWAYS those few people that take at least another five extra minutes to put their folder in their backpacks. I see you. I SEE YOU. It’s time for my burrito damn it. Vanity only goes so far. There are more important things. Like Chipotle.

I’ll step out of your momma’s van.

So… when’s the beer summit episode going to air? Watch the comedic gold here.

This afternoon, the Harvard Book Store cut the ribbon on its newly-christened Espresso Book Machine, Paige M. Gutenborg. The name of the on-demand book printing contraption was sifted from over 500 contest entries, among them Tome Machine, Humphrey Bookart, and Gutenplenty.

Before the unveiling, speakers Professor Robert Darnton (Director of Harvard Libraries), Jason Epstein from The New York Review of Books, and Dane Neller of On Demand Books LLC gave a few remarks about the future of books, publishing, yadda yadda. Then, finally, everyone got to see what they came for: Paige giving birth to its (her?) first paperback.

Before an ooh-ing and aah-ing audience, Paige printed a copy of the 300-plus page Bay Psalm Book (chosen because it the first book printed in North America, specifically, Cambridge in 1640) in a matter of minutes, which was then bound and funneled out out of the machine, glossy, crisp, and warm, just like fresh-baked cookies emerging from an oven.

Then, the prolific Paige moved on to Einstein’s Relativity. Noice was in awe.

Noice thinks the only thing that would make the Espresso Book Machine even more perfect and ingenious would be, well, if it pumped out espresso alongside your reading material. Dane Neller said he’s working on that.

Quote of the day: “I hope when I cut this ribbon, the damn thing doesn’t explode.”

What’s that you say? “Honor Our Teachers Profs” doesn’t make any sense? Stop trying to defy the logic and just play along. Here at Noice we don’t hate…we appreciate. And this week we really appreciate:

Enough to consider switching concentrations?

Professor Yukio Lippit
History of Art and Architecture

This prof, some may describe as an Asian Richard Gere, deserves some serious appreciation as a bright spot in Harvard’s faculty. This semester he’s teaching the Core Lit-Arts B class on Japanese Woodblock Prints (but you lucky History of Art and Architecture concentrators can look forward to HAA 188j or 287k in the Spring). When he’s not adding his face and wonderfully soothing lecture voice to an already attractive set of course materials, he’s busy researching and writing some stellar books. We like Yukio ’cause he’s notoriously accessible to his students and sincerely devoted to what he teaches. We also dig that he’s an alum too (class of ’93!). Mad props, sir, mad props.

This song pretty much says it all. We love our profs!

Image courtesy of The East Asian Art History Program website

Because brevity can make you feel so tingly inside.

The first in our anthology of Harvard Haiku. It’s the perfect weekend break from the long-winded BS you’ve been making your entire academic life.

Powerful grey locks
And such sharp business attire
Drew Faust is a fox.

One who knows little–
Like that loud guy in section–
Should really shut up.

Waking up, still drunk.
Linkmate is in my PJs…
Blech, did we hook up?