Mark Zuckerberg, Harvard drop-out and founder of Facebook, is returning to campus on Monday to recruit for his multi-billion dollar social networking behemoth (source: The Boston Globe). That noise you hear is all the Computer Science geeks on campus erupting in tears of joy.

In eager anticipation of what will surely turn out to be a scene of Zucks getting mobbed, Noice has compiled a list of things you can do in order to impress him within your allocated time of a minute-and-a-half. Be sure to thank us when you’re employed!

1. Come decked out in blue. Blue shirts, blue boxers, blue shorts, blue beanies (it will be cold, like it is for ten months in a year), blue nails, what have you. Paint your face blue and scribble “Facebook” in white across your forehead. It’s only fitting that the t-shirt for Kirkland House, Zucks’ former residence, is blue. Steal one of those. Nothing says commitment like being a walking banner of Facebook.

2. Bring an Asian girl along as your (real or fake) girlfriend. Zucks’ engaged to one, and imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

3. Every time Zucks utters a complete sentence, scream “LIKE.” After five times, ask out loud: “IS THERE A LOVE BUTTON FOR THIS?”

4. Come with a 50,000-word thesis binder on “How to Improve Facebook,” introducing functions like keeping out the fatties and uglies. You don’t want Facebook to follow Myspace’s downward spiral into ghetto obscurity.

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The notoriously snarky website Gawker caught wind of a Crimson editorial on Harvard students using Facebook in the classroom, or what most of us would simply call procrastinating. The article, however, takes this intuitive answer in an entirely different direction. Maureen O’Connor for Gawker introduces the piece with: “Elite college newspaper The Harvard Crimson has noticed a trend.”

Turns out in the Crimson the answer to why students use Facebook in lectures, or basically all the time, is not that everyone likes it/is stalking everyone else, but rather that we are a hoard of “Return On Time Investment” super-students. Hemi H. Gandhi for the Crimson writes, “During class, students will give their attention to whatever they think will give them the most utility in each moment. Past generations of students must also have wanted to maximize their ROTI during class. But technological innovation has provided today’s students with more options to do so in real time, via their smartphones and laptops.” Gawker deftly responds with this long reason of why we use Facebook with “According to my Harvard-to-English dictionary, the [former] translates roughly to: “Cuz we feel like it.”

When Gandhi continues on this line of reasoning, arguing for more innovative teaching practices to keep students’ attention, Gawker inserts “Also, Zuckerberg.” We’re inclined to agree with Gawker on this one–people, not just Harvard students, use Facebook to procrastinate. Sure, there are tons of incredible internet resources, but Facebook is not exactly one of them for maximizing critical thinking. Facebook usage in class doesn’t have to do with ROTI or seeing how much we can multi-task. It’s making sure that one guy/girl that you dated in high school is not happier than you.

Check out Gawker’s article: http://gawker.com/5852770/harvard-investigation-why-does-everyone-play-on-facebook-during-class

Check out the Crimson’s article: http://www.thecrimson.com/article/2011/10/24/facebook-class-phenomenon/

You may remember these two creepy twins from The Social Network movie… or The Shining. Apparently $65 million isn’t good enough. You know what is though? Biceps.

More homoerotic highlights can be found at Gawker.

We gon' kick yo ass, Zuck! (After we admire ourselves.)

Stop. Just Stop.

We’re serious.

Did you know that… even universities have Facebook fan pages? Uh, yeah. Does anyone else feel a little weird about this?

Nooooo, how will I ever find another way to engage in a satisfying intellectual pursuit and procrastinate on my paper ALL AT THE SAME TIME?

At least, that’s the name of a recently created Facebook group that proves that at least 32 people besides me out of 7000 undergrads at Harvard have noticed that the Crimson has stopped printing crossword puzzles in their daily papers. I feel so vindicated knowing that I’m backed in my opinions by such an important part of the student population.

Says the Facebook group’s info page:

This is group has been formed to raise awareness of the Harvard Crimson’s choice to drop the crossword from the paper and try and bring back the Crimson crossword. We are just simple Harvard students from many different backgrounds, united by this shocking turn of events. Seriously, is it that hard to print a daily crossword?

Personally, at first I just assumed they were in a Thanksgiving week slump, but the continued failure of the existence of the daily crossword puzzle has gotten me a little worried. One day, they tried printing a word jumble, and now it’s just HUDS menus.  I mean, what a shocking testament to the decline of print media in our time.