Thanks to major corporate shoe conglomerates, intellectual masturbation at the nation’s top schools just got even easier.

Later this January, the shoe brand New Balance launches a new “Ivy League” collection of its H710 styles, with sneaker options for each of Hahvahd, Princeton, Columbia, Dartmouth, the University of Pennsylvania, and Brown. Notice anything missing from that list? Oh yeah, Yale and Cornell – obvs not elite enough to roll with us real Ivy Leaguers.

So, in case any of us forgets for even a second how Uniquely Smart And Special we are to attend The Undisputed Best University Among the Undisputed Larger Collection of Best Universities in the World, we need only look at our footwear.

GUYS CHECK OUT MY SHOES I GO TO HARVARD

Laurent Rivard led the Crimson with 23 points. Photo from GoCrimson.com

The Harvard basketball team started 2011 off the right way with a 78-69 upset victory over Boston College.  This marked the third year in a row that Harvard has defeated the Boston area rivals.  With these three straight upsets and a 9-0 record against Massachusetts teams over the last two seasons, one could certainly make a case that Harvard has been playing the best college basketball in the state.

Unlike the last two years, Harvard pulled off this victory without previous seasons’ superstar, Jeremy Lin.  The hero of this upset was Laurent Rivard, a highly touted freshman recruit from Quebec.  He led both teams in scoring with 23 points. Various Crimson players have stepped up this season, making this team a strong candidate for best in the Ivy League.

Unlike every other Division I league (of course, we had to be different), the Ivy League has no playoffs, so the league champion is the team with the best regular season conference record.  That league champion, of course, secures a spot in the NCAA Tournament, “March Madness.”  Cornell has won the Ivy League three seasons in a row, including last year, when they had a remarkable run to the Sweet 16, but after losing their coach (to Boston College, as coincidence will have it) and  four of their five starters, they look hard-pressed to repeat.  Instead, Harvard and Princeton look like the two favorites to end up on top of the league for 2011.

The Crimson have looked strong through non-conference play, posting a 10-3 record including a 7-0 record at home.  Harvard has its first Ivy League game this Saturday at Dartmouth.  They then have a final non-conference game at George Washington before returning to Cambridge to kick conference play into full force with a 2:00 p.m. home game on January 22, against Dartmouth again, in Lavietes Pavilion, when much of the student body will be arriving back on campus.

Caught in the last-minute formal date crunch? In case you’re interested in “sexy muscular arms and 6 pack abs” and “women [who] get hit on almost everywhere [they] go,” Cornell University, apparently with a small contingent of Harvard cohorts, has your back.

According to this post from the undergraduate life website collegeacb.com, individuals from Cornell, Harvard and Columbia are available as “secret escorts” (yay anonymity?) to events at the rate of $20 per hour. All you need to do is e-mail secretsatcornell@gmail.com to get your pick of girls – three of whom, according to the piece, are D cups, while the rest are in the “low B to C…range.” But the writers request only “[s]erious inquiries” to the account, so be sure not to flood this inbox unless you’re really looking for some action.

As the article comments, “Who says the Ivy League can’t be sexy?”.

But furrealz, why do this when The Voice can get you a formal date instead? Desperation, even in the midst of our deadly Cantabrigian winter/reading period/finals/formal time abyss, should never be in the cards.

Let The Voice match you up, so your formal experience doesn't end up like this one.

Wright goes up over two Big Green Defenders for the score

While you were at home catching up on sleep and watching TV, the basketball team was back at school, kicking off Ivy League basketball by defeating Dartmouth in a blowout, 76-47. The team’s star, Jeremy Lin, finished the game with 11 points and six steals, one of which resulted in a highlight-worthy breakaway dunk.  The true star of this game, however, was Keith Wright, who finished with 22 points, three blocks, and six rebounds.  Freshman Kyle Casey was impressive, off the bench, with four blocks and an alley-oop on a pass from guard Oliver McNally. Read the rest of this entry »