You know how you know you go to the number one university in the world? Your college even wins at the contest of issuing the best most-useless degree.

According to this Huffington Post article, Harvard tops the list of colleges at which to major in English. (Incidentally, we are apparently also the haven for those who “hate to do chemistry experiments.”) Institutions we beat out for this prestigious honor include Oxford, Yale, Columbia and Stanford.

So, humanities concentrators: when, in October after graduation, you find yourself sitting catatonically on the couch with eyes glazed over, watching an MTV Jersey Shore marathon at 1 in the afternoon, at least you can take comfort in knowing that, because you went to Harvard, you are definitely the best at it.

Winning, 1636-Present.

Photo credit: theantiyale.blogspot.com, mosaicofart.blogspot.com

Thanks to major corporate shoe conglomerates, intellectual masturbation at the nation’s top schools just got even easier.

Later this January, the shoe brand New Balance launches a new “Ivy League” collection of its H710 styles, with sneaker options for each of Hahvahd, Princeton, Columbia, Dartmouth, the University of Pennsylvania, and Brown. Notice anything missing from that list? Oh yeah, Yale and Cornell – obvs not elite enough to roll with us real Ivy Leaguers.

So, in case any of us forgets for even a second how Uniquely Smart And Special we are to attend The Undisputed Best University Among the Undisputed Larger Collection of Best Universities in the World, we need only look at our footwear.

GUYS CHECK OUT MY SHOES I GO TO HARVARD

Yep, it was called Operation: Ivy League by the police. Turns out, according to Gawker and other sources, that five Columbia students (Chris Coles, Harrison David, Adam Klein, Jose Stephan Perez, and Michael Wymbs) are now under arrest after selling, “$11,000 worth of “cocaine, marijuana, ecstasy, Adderall and LSD” to undercover cops.” When the five were arrested this morning they collectively had half a pound of marijuana on them and around 2k in cash. Allegedly, the dealers’ most popular item was LSD coated Altoids and SweetTarts, where deals were conducted out of Columbia fraternities like Alpha Epsilon Pi, Psi Upsilon, and Pi Kappa Alpha. The NYPD has also arrested the suppliers behind the five young men. “Sorry for Partying” isn’t going to work on this one.

Caught in the last-minute formal date crunch? In case you’re interested in “sexy muscular arms and 6 pack abs” and “women [who] get hit on almost everywhere [they] go,” Cornell University, apparently with a small contingent of Harvard cohorts, has your back.

According to this post from the undergraduate life website collegeacb.com, individuals from Cornell, Harvard and Columbia are available as “secret escorts” (yay anonymity?) to events at the rate of $20 per hour. All you need to do is e-mail secretsatcornell@gmail.com to get your pick of girls – three of whom, according to the piece, are D cups, while the rest are in the “low B to C…range.” But the writers request only “[s]erious inquiries” to the account, so be sure not to flood this inbox unless you’re really looking for some action.

As the article comments, “Who says the Ivy League can’t be sexy?”.

But furrealz, why do this when The Voice can get you a formal date instead? Desperation, even in the midst of our deadly Cantabrigian winter/reading period/finals/formal time abyss, should never be in the cards.

Let The Voice match you up, so your formal experience doesn't end up like this one.

The Daily Beast has the answer. The popular news website, the brainchild of former Vanity Fair editor Tina Brown, just released its ranking of the 50 most stressful colleges in the US. Lo and behold, Harvard is ranked #5, only trailing after Stanford, Columbia, MIT and Penn.

(Image courtesy of Google Images)

The five criteria taken into consideration are (excerpts from the actual article):

• The cost: Financial pressure is a huge stress-inducer. Tuition plus room and board, weighted at 35 percent. With 2009-2010 data from the National Center on Education Statistics.

• Competitiveness: How academically rigorous is the school? Weighted at 35 percent, with 2010 data from US News & World Report.

• Acceptance rate: More competitive schools generally produce a more competitive student body. Weighted at 10 percent, with 2010 data from US News & World Report.

• Engineering: Is the school known for its particularly rigorous graduate engineering program? Weighted at 10 percent, with 2010 data from US News & World Report.

• Crime on campus: Adapted from The Daily Beast’s analysis of college crime, weighted at 10 percent and ranked relative to this particular group of colleges. With data from the US Department of Education.

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