While some of you toil for major conglomerates at minimum wage and most others work the coffee machine for no wage at all, I’ve been devoting my summer evenings watching Roland Garros – one of the four major professional tennis tournaments of the year taking place in Paris, France. You can’t beat bright orange clay court and matching bright green towels glaring at you for five hours. And lots of athletes attired in even stranger combinations of colors. So read on for my Guide to the French Open 2011 - Men’s Singles (because one can only watch so much TV before being yelled at by one’s Tiger Mom).

The Trivalry

1. Rafael Nadal – The Pit Bull

- What he’s famous for:The 25-year old Spaniard is the defending champion and current world No. 1 tennis player. Nadal’s rise to the top was as meteoric as it was spectacular. He turned pro at 15, beat Federer, the then world No. 1, for the first time at 17, and never looked back. He’s won all four major tennis tournaments, a gold medal at the Summer Olympics, and at Roland Garros alone he’s been crowned five times. Watch Nadal roam the court like a pit bull on steroid, while his opponent breaks a bucket of sweat in exhaustion and exasperation. It’s fun.

- What he’s infamous for: the permanent wedgie, made very in-your-face by the constant close-up camera shots of his Capri pants which cannot be any tighter. It’s tempting to imagine that Nadal’s constant tugging of his pants behind his ass might be a tactic to distract the opponent. Nadal also has a particularly “flamboyant” dressing style. He’s almost always in sleeveless tops of super bright colors, such as orange, and then pair that with, say, green pants. You can practically see him from Mars. Or the nosebleed section of the stadium, which actually is helpful.

He’s so rich that he basically owns a Spanish soccer team, Mallorca. He’s an avid soccer fan and was one of only six non-staff people allowed into the locker room of Spain’s national soccer team after it won the World Cup in 2010. He’s also the new face of Armani underwear. (Hence the picture on the left.) I’ll give you a few moments to regroup. Methinks he should just ditch the hideously colored clothes and go the way nature intends it!

He might be going bald very soon though, so enjoy the pretty while it lasts.

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This Prefrosh Weekend (or Visitas, or whatever), The Voice takes you through the ten male prototypes you’ll encounter at Harvard.

1. The One Who’s a Virgin

You can’t swing a purse in Harvard Yard without hitting a virgin Harvard male. He comes in all shapes and sizes (pun fully intended). Even some very eligible-seeming bros belong here –they probably spent high school hitting the stacks instead of the sack– although they tend to migrate out of this zone really fast during their freshman year. He has the potential of becoming a great boyfriend, if you’re willing to put in the time and effort to get over the initial awkwardness. *Accidentally* hooking up with a virgin always makes for great Sunday brunch stories though, so there’s the silver lining.

2. The One Who Will Stay a Virgin

Another classic Harvard category. It’s astounding how a place so small can hold so many socially awkward and sexually frustrated young people. It’s very easy to spot this one. He seems awkward. He walks awkward. He is awkward. He probably also lives in Lamont and packs his stuff in a carry-on during Finals season. He might also have red hair. Bless his heart, though. He could invent a social networking site one day and all the arrogant bitches of Harvard who ignored him (you included) can cry themselves to sleep at night.

3. The One Who Would Be King

You know, the kid who harbored presidential ambitions when everyone else was dreaming about chocolate and cartoon characters and stuff. He is most likely a tall, well-dressed Government major from the south who frequents the Institute of Politics as often as the rest of us mortals do Berryline. You might be charmed by his composure and drive, but like anything else in his life, the ladies that he dates must all serve the Grand Plan. I’m Asian and foreign (Communist, even), so I never even tried. But if you want to, just google “Jackie Kennedy” for a good role model. Or Marilyn Monroe. It’s all a matter of preference.

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The HarvardHoochies Part 2: We asked some bros for their thoughts on these controversial Twitter lasses. Read our original interview with the girls here.

Meet the “Bro Panel”:

- Bret Voith, a senior resident of Lowell House and former co-captain of the varsity Water Polo team. The Hoochies have endearingly called him “sexual vanilla popsicle.” How fast will they devour him post-thesis/Lamont?

- Jeff Lee, a senior History of Art and Architecture concentrator in Kirkland House. He wants to “play water polo during the day and model at night for the rest of [his] life.” He promises to hold the key to activate the HH’s yellow fever.

- Water Sports Bro: Because we really needed another ball-hurling, speedos-wearing panelist.

- Hot Bro: Strong arms. Strong arms.

- Mysterious Bro: We don’t know any more about him than you do. We like the air of mystery though.

- Shirtless Bro: We have nothing on him except that he looks hot shirtless. His teammates agree. Bromance.

- Random Bro: He dropped by one day and left a random comment.

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