This winter formal season, The Voice tried a new experiment and played matchmaking for our dearest readers. The response was overwhelming, and if we couldn’t get back to you, our apologies. If the match we found for you didn’t deliver, we’re terribly sorry. Rest assured that with all the feedback we’ve received, our system will be improved in time for Spring Formals!

We thank you for your faith in our Matchmaking power, and we look forward to serving you again soon! Here are some stories*, variously titled “The Good, The Bad, and The Unexpected,” to round up the whole experience. Two freshman girls had two extremely different experiences, and a Varsity athlete in Eliot House went on a perfect date with a girl who still isn’t quite convinced about his sexual orientation. Maybe he’s too good to be true? Read on and find out for yourself!

*Names have been retracted to protect the privacy of our clients.

The Good:

As a blind dating newbie, my roommate and I decided to be adventurous and do the Voice Matchmaker together. Confused as how these matches would be made after no questions were asked about ourselves and only what we desired in a date, I was blessed by the matchmaking gods and asked to the Adams formal this past Sunday. My roommate graciously lent me a beautiful dress and sent me on my way into the Cambridge cold.

Unable to find the entrance and knowing nothing about my match except for his name, I wandered anxiously until I got a call from my date to invite me inside. Everything about the Adams House formal, whose theme was “Harry Potter,” was beautiful. The House could easily be mistaken for Hogwarts for the night. My date, a senior Adams resident, was extremely sweet and friendly and we wove in through the trees and mystical music to get inside, be sorted, and receive our wands.

Somehow, The Voice found me a perfect date and great new friend. We mingled for the night until he was drawn back to his room to work on his thesis. I am still unsure if the Voice worked its magic, if it was a purely magical night, or if Harvard is just full of truly nice guys. Either way it worked out for me, I had a great time and I hope my date felt the same!

Read on for two extremely “interesting” stories! Read the rest of this entry »

Adams’ gong was apparently stolen by the “Friends United for Chinese Knicknacks and Against Detention of Ancient Manchurian Stuff” society. Take a moment to spot out the acronym. We wonder if it will find its safe return?

TO THE PRESS: THIS LETTER MUST BE REPRINTED WORD-FOR-WORD OR WHAT’S GONG STAYS GONG.

Cambridge, MA: Friends United for Chinese Knicknacks and Against Detention of Ancient Manchurian Stuff liberates gong

Communique for the Advocacy of Deliverance:

On Saturday, February 27, at 3:30 AM, members of the Fabulous Union of Chinese Keepsakes And Defenders of Apocryphal Mandarin Symbology succeeded in penetrating the Harvard residence known as Adams House and liberating a horribly-mistreated gong from the early Robert Lue dynasty. The glorious actions of Our Brothers and Sisters were provoked by the intelligence we had already gathered on the artifact’s unjust and inhumane internment, in conditions that can only be described as “douche-chilling.” Reports showed that the gong was regularly forced to attend Adams clan meetings in which the savage inhabitants engaged in bloody, ritualistic class-warfare amid the noxious fumes of Axe deodorant and expensive teas. We are also in the possession of audio recordings in which the inbred “pleasure servants” of the Adams community (class of ’11) repeatedly proposition the gong for sexual activities despite its mute protests for peace and decency.

In the early morning of the 27th of February, our agents encountered little resistance from the poorly-defended hovel, whose very walls reek with sweat and echo the faint smacks of aggressive and unwanted fist-pounds. The “cabinet” was carelessly left unlocked and it was a matter of minutes before we were able to successfully remove its chain bonds using a simple pair of pliers.

Our objective in liberating the gong was not merely to confiscate said property (which admittedly is a mindblowingly-shitty gong) but also to lodge protest against a house marred by numerous ethical and aesthetic violations, which include kicking puppies, wearing tights as pants, and being giant douchecocks in general.

For these reasons we decided to carry out this action on the days preceding the tradition known as Housing Day as a preventative action – we do not wish to see yet another generation of freshmen condemned to assimilate in this house of harlots and scraggly wanna-beards. We strongly believe that action is the most practical way to propagate a belief, and with this in mind we will only consider returning the gong (on loan) to Harvard University if and only if the following conditions are met:

1.) Freshmen facing internment in the Adams House Property shall be given the option to refuse their assignment on ethical grounds.
2.) To discourage rampant “fronting,” residents of Adams are permitted to wear only sackcloth. Wearing a bowtie or other neck adornment is punishable by death.
3.) As it is a privilege, not a right, Adams House dining hall may no longer serve Marshmallow Mateys.
4.) Adams House males must redistribute their condoms to students who actually get laid (you’re not fooling anyone).
5.) Deliver 10 boxes of Pizza Rolls™, 4 cases of Cactus Cooler, and one of your “pleasure servants” (we’re not picky) to Quincy 609 by midnight of Housing Day.

Finally, we wish to salute and send our strength and will to our imprisoned comrades throughout the world, with specific acknowledgement to Juan Carlos and Bei “Milkshake” Xian, who were recently thwarted by fascists in their attempts to liberate the numerous laughing Buddhas from Famous Zhao’s Szechuan Delights: we celebrate your tenacity – fight on, Brothers and Sisters!

A big sloppy,
Cambridge cell of
FIRST UP, CHINA KITE-FLIERS AWAY! DOESN’T ADAMS MUFF SUCK

*For the propagation of the insurrection and the destruction of this disgusting skank-town.

Mark your calendars for Friday, February 5th (don’t worry it’s after JT passes through the ‘bridge), at 8 p.m. at the Adams Pool Theater. The Harvard Diggers Society has put together a panel of students, much like the upcoming Harvard Things Big panel led by current professors. This event, appropriately named the Harvard Student Lecture Series requires no sign-up, ticket, or registration–you just have to show up and be the curious people that we know you are. Five students will be speaking and according to the publicity sent out via the Diggers it will be on subjects “like planes, democratic theory, television, and the origin of modern Hebrew.” For more information you can contact: harvarddiggers@gmail.com

Another week past, another week of HUPD patrolling.  This week’s reports were full of laptop and bicycle reports.  Most of the laptop thefts occur when owners leave them unattended at libraries or cafes so be smart and keep an eye on it.  To protect your bicycle, use a strong U-Lock.  For more interesting stories, read below.

Read the rest of this entry »

Truth.

Every week, Noice fills you in on the great work our own police department, the Harvard University Police Department, HUPD (pronounced “hup-dee”), in HUPD Hustlin‘.  Find out the craziest Harvard nightlife stories though the eyes of those in blue.

If you get caught in the act of a theft, your instinct might be to run, but such was not the case with Brian Battiste.  Read his story and many more after the jump.

Read the rest of this entry »