Got a relationship question you want to ask, or a situation you want thoughts and advice on? Email me at somedude.harvardfml@gmail.com, and watch this space for my answer! T.B. asks,

I’m a male graduating senior, girlfriendless, and freaking out that after Harvard, the dating pool is gonna shrink faster than a water balloon thrown at a bed of nails. Now, the clever bit: I am only really interested in Harvard girls — and maybe actresses but that’s another story — picky and vain, but it’s who I am. I’m running out of time and all the hot girls have boyfriends! Can you give me hope?

I can indeed, T.B.

First, you needn’t worry too much: there is indeed an after-college dating world, and it is awesome. It seems scary because there won’t be so many single women your age all living within the same square mile you do, but it’s really not any harder to meet them.

Another thing playing in your favor: as men continue to mature emotionally through their 20s and beyond, they tend to become more desirable – this is because personality tends to affect women’s attraction to men more than vice versa. Since you’re so particular about your tastes in women, that will help you as you get older.

You’re right in your observation that the most desirable girls tend to have boyfriends, but clearly not all of them do, although those that are single tend not to stay single long. But as Randy Munroe helpfully articulated, you have more time — a lot more time — than you think. (Read more…)

Got a relationship question you want to ask, or a situation you want thoughts and advice on? Email me at somedude.harvardfml@gmail.com, and watch this space for my answer! Today, I’m going to respond to a recent HFML:

Can’t get the guy I’ve been seeing to ask me to formal. FML.

This does seem to come up a lot at this time of year! Broadly, the best way to handle this to this is to ask, not wait to be asked. But this is a good opportunity to think about some of the reasons guys don’t ask in situations like this:

He’s afraid you’ll say no. Overwhelmingly this is going to be the real reason. If you’ve been seeing each other but haven’t been to an event like this before as a couple, it may seem to him that this is a big step and he’s not sure you think the two of you are ready for it – even if he does. That good ol’ fear of rejection rears its ugly head, and feels very difficult to overcome. So he’ll play it safe and keep the relationship on the same level it’s been. This is pretty easy for you to overcome just by asking him to go. Or, if you come off as someone who thinks Valentine’s Day exists because retailers have willed it to be so, he may think by extension that you believe formals are phony and shallow and beneath you. Again, easy to overcome if you do the asking. (Read more…)

Got a relationship question you want to ask, or a situation you want thoughts and advice on? Email me at somedude.harvardfml@gmail.com, and watch this space for my answer! JMEO asks, in much the same vein as this recent HarvardFML post,

I’m female, sophomore, and single. There’s a guy I’m interested in and he might be interested in me. He’s a senior; what’s your view on starting something with him at this point?

I don’t see a reason not to. Age is a crude and imprecise measure of maturity, and 2 years is in any case a small difference. I’m guessing your hesitation is that you’re afraid of what might happen come graduation — but far from being a problem, your situation is ideal!
(Read more…)

Hi all! You may know me as a prolific commenter on HarvardFML; this is my new and improved means of doling out relationship advice! Got a question you want to ask, or a situation you want thoughts and advice on? Email me at somedude.harvardfml@gmail.com, and watch this space for my answer! Today, I’m going to answer a question I was asked on HarvardFML and which has come up many times since:

I need to meet new people. How do I do [that]?

There are two parts that go into meeting new people: where to meet them, and how to meet them.

Where to meet them?

• Pick up a new extracurricular. There are lots of groups on campus that don’t have an elaborate or selective process for new members. For instance, just show up on load-in day for any student theater production and help them build their set. I’ve met lots of new people that way. There are 20-25 productions each semester, so a new load-in is happening at least every week.
• Go to a party on campus or at a nearby school. This is easier to do with a friend or two, but can be done solo as well. And there are a ton of nearby schools in Cambridge and Boston. (Read more…)

Hi all! You may know me as a prolific commenter on HarvardFML; this is my new and improved means of doling out relationship advice! Got a question you want to ask, or a situation you want thoughts and advice on? Email me at somedude.harvardfml@gmail.com, and watch this space for my answer! Today, I’m going to talk about nice guys and finishing last.

You’re a nice guy, you treat women with respect and courtesy, and you’d make the perfect boyfriend. But you repeatedly struggle to get the women you find most attractive to even see you in a romantic light. Though frustrated, you chalk it up to a run of bad luck and keep trying.

Does this sound familiar? You’re not alone. And the problem, I’m afraid, isn’t luck, it’s you. You have a bias that’s blinding you.

Take a step back and challenge your assumptions. On some level, you believe that niceness is right and eventually rewarded. Parents think they’ve done a good job of raising us right if they drill that into our heads so thoroughly that we are nice by reflex and don’t even think about it. Unfortunately, the world works the way it does, not the way we think it ought to. There’s a reason nice guys finish last.

(Read more…)

Hi all! You may know me as a prolific commenter on HarvardFML; this is my new and improved means of doling out relationship advice! Got a question you want to ask, or a situation you want thoughts and advice on? Email me at somedude.harvardfml@gmail.com, and watch this space for my answer! 463 writes,

There’s this guy I’ve liked since the end of fall semester. My friends think I could do better, and they have made it clear that they think he is too nerdy and not attractive enough for me. But I like him. Is this something where I should just go on how I feel and see if a relationship can happen, or is this a case where my friends’ opinion is important enough that I should look around for someone else?

There are always going to be people who tell you that you can do better – and people who tell you that you should lower your standards, for that matter. Frankly, it’s all meaningless, because attraction isn’t a choice. What matters in a relationship is that you find each other attractive. So your friends don’t find this guy attractive – so what? You can have a successful and fulfilling relationship regardless.

In practice, I think anyone can do better if they set their mind to it, but it takes time and energy, which isn’t worth doing if you’re already satisfied.

Let me caution you that as you gain experience, your taste in guys will probably change. And your significant other may or may not change with them. The person you’re attracted to now may leave you feeling unsatisfied somewhere down the road. That’s what your friends may be thinking. But that’s a crap reason for not getting together with someone you’re genuinely attracted to right now.

I say screw what your friends think and ask this guy out when you get back.

Special thanks to George R R Martin, whose writing is surprisingly just as explicit as HBO’s adaptation. Email Some Dude at somedude.harvardfml@gmail.com.

Hi all! You may know me as a prolific commenter on HarvardFML; this is my new and improved means of doling out relationship advice! Got a question you want to ask, or a situation you want thoughts and advice on? Email me at somedude.harvardfml@gmail.com, and watch this space for my answer! Gestapo writes,

I just finished my sophomore year, and as soon as I got home for the summer I started hanging out with this girl I knew from high school. We’ve hit it off and are getting pretty serious pretty quickly. But, I know I’ve got to come back to Harvard at the end of the summer, and she’s got to go back to her school – and we’ll be hundreds of miles apart. I’ve never done long distance before, and I’m afraid it won’t work. What should I do?

Wow, that was fast! You’ve only been gone a few weeks!

Without knowing more about your situation, I think you’re best off having an awesome summer and then cutting the cord. A long-distance relationship will drain you and keep you from living life at Harvard to its potential – and the same goes for her at her school. The chances that the relationship will survive the 2+ further years that you’ll be separated are so small as to be hardly worth the huge cost. One of my very first posts was on long distance relationships of this type – take a read.

But don’t get bummed out. You and your ladyfriend can still have a fantastic summer. It’s a blessing, in a way: “expiration dating” like this allows you the freedom to get as emotionally involved as you want to, safe in the knowledge that there’s a built-in deadline and an amicable breakup at the end. And guess what? If you’re both single after graduation and end up in the same city, you’re in the best possible position to get back together, so expiration dating does not preclude future possibilities. (Read more…)