Got a relationship question you want to ask, or a situation you want thoughts and advice on? Email me at somedude.harvardfml@gmail.com, and watch this space for my answer! Today, I’m going to talk about overcoming shyness. If you are a shy girl, what can you do to overcome that reluctance? And if you’re a guy interested in (or already in a relationship with) a shy girl, how do you deal with it?

For afflicted women: you’re a lot better off than shy men, for starters. Shyness in women plays well to old notions of gender roles that die hard, so unlike men, taking advantage of your own shyness is an effective option. Overcoming it outright is a bit harder but also works very well, and is more empowering in the long run.

One important step in breaking the shyness logjam is to stop dwelling so much on others’ reactions. Recognize that you’re never going to be able to perfectly interpret nonverbal cues – no one can. Rapt attention to others’ nonverbal cues often leaves you not focusing enough on your own nonverbal cues. So instead of trying to detect hairsplitting subtlety, you’re much better off focusing your effort on getting others to give you obvious signs of their interest. (Read more…)

Got a relationship question you want to ask, or a situation you want thoughts and advice on? Email me at somedude.harvardfml@gmail.com, and watch this space for my answer! Today, I’m going to talk about overcoming shyness. If you are a shy guy, what can you do to overcome that reluctance? And if you’re a girl interested in (or already in a relationship with) a shy guy, how do you deal with it?

Friends with Detriments by xkcd.

For afflicted guys: there are basically two kinds of you: the kind that will hang out with a girl you’re interested in, doing her favors in the (possibly subconscious) hope that friendship will eventually turn romantic; and the kind that is too shy to do anything other than admire from a distance, wondering if the object of your affections even knows you exist. And there’s a lot of overlap between them. (Read more…)

Got a relationship question you want to ask, or a situation you want thoughts and advice on? Email me at somedude.harvardfml@gmail.com, and watch this space for my answer! M. asks,

What if you realize that you want someone, but someone else had gotten there first? How do you steal someone else’s boyfriend?

In a nutshell: you don’t. You move on.

You might think I’m saying so because it’s wrong to the third party who is currently dating the object of your affection. But that’s not actually the reason (although, needless to say, that is a good reason). I’m saying so because, if you want this guy, you need to be more attractive to him than the girl he’s seeing now, and trying to break up his current relationship will make you look desperate and unattractive: while you might succeed in ruining his relationship, you won’t be able to hold onto him afterward.

The better strategy is to move on. Look for other people. Have a good time. Be as attractive as you can be. But stay close and visible to this guy.

There are multiple benefits:

Most obviously, if this guy becomes single again, you’ll be obviously present, available, and attractive, and therefore ideally positioned – and this works especially well because in this scenario he’s the one who chooses you, which will create a relationship with more staying power than if you were jumping through hoops and making a huge effort to win him over from someone else. (Read more…)

Got a relationship question you want to ask, or a situation you want thoughts and advice on? Email me at somedude.harvardfml@gmail.com, and watch this space for my answer! T.B. asks,

I’m a straight senior guy. In your post-college dating post a couple weeks ago, you suggested post-college activities such as dance classes, community theater, etc. Now, nothing of that sort really grabs me and I totally can’t stomach the thought of doing them just to gain more exposure to girls. I will be too career-focused to actively pursue new girls after I graduate. There is a super hot girl I’m interested in in one of my classes. Any strategies for generating fast results before this semester ends?

Worrying about “fast results” is a trap that will probably undercut you – don’t rush. If you’re worried about timing, just avoid spinning your wheels. I wrote a post a while back about first dates; I think all of my suggestions in that would apply to you well and keep you from unnecessarily stalling. And here are some other relevant posts: dating a senior and everyone has time. If what you want is a relationship that will last beyond graduation, work on building a strong emotional bond: if she feels very strongly about you, she’ll want to either follow you after graduation or encourage you to follow her. With a bit of luck, it’s quite possible to build a relationship to that point in only a matter of months.

While luck plays a role in creating a strong relationship in the first place, keeping it going will always take effort, and no amount of luck will make up for it. If you’re going to be exclusively laser-focused on your career, or won’t compromise your preferred activities (e.g., going to an art gallery if your girlfriend wants you to take her), no amount of good planning at the onset is going to help you in the long term, particularly to hold the attention of the caliber of woman you’re looking for. It requires effort – not just the effort of gestures but the effort of changing yourself for someone else. (Read more…)

Got a relationship question you want to ask, or a situation you want thoughts and advice on? Email me at somedude.harvardfml@gmail.com, and watch this space for my answer!

This, however, is just a couple of disclaimers. I’ve occasionally gotten criticism, most recently from ivyfed, that misinterprets my beliefs and motives. It occurs to me I should have codified these a long time ago, and it was perhaps foolish of me to think they were so obvious they didn’t need to be said. Here they are:

GLBTQ Relationships. Whenever I write “men” or “women” (or “guys,” “girls,” etc.), I mean straight men and straight women – which is usually clear from context. So, I write “men” and “women” as opposed to “straight men” and “straight women” because it would be cumbersome to clarify every time.

I have no hostility to or judgment against people who don’t identify as straight. I wish I knew how to advise those who identify as gay, lesbian, bisexual, transsexual, queer, or otherwise, but I just don’t have enough experience observing what works and what doesn’t. Since I believe that straight men and straight women are different from each other (a subject I’ll go into in greater depth below), I don’t think that my advice is generic enough that it can be readily adapted to GLBTQ relationships by changing pronouns. Incidentally, I welcome anyone who feels they do have sufficient understanding of LGBTQ relationships to write a guest post about them!

Feminism and Equality. Men and women tend to be different. This basic belief underlies my whole understanding of relationships. To me, it’s self-evident that there are differences between men and women: most men are attracted only to women, and most women are attracted only to men; they usually experience attraction for different reasons; they often have different aesthetic tastes and preferences; they tend to have different personalities, and so on.

To avoid this being stretched too far though, I do not mean to imply that men and women are unequal or have different potentials. Nor do I mean to imply that all women are the same and all men are the same. Their differences are neither binary nor exclusive; individuals fall on a continuum between extremes. Some straight men are more feminine (for lack of a better word) than some straight women, and vice versa.

So if the differences are so variable and individual, why do they matter? The differences are relevant in relative terms, not absolute terms: for any given pair of one man and one woman where at least one is attracted to the other, the man is hugely likely to be more masculine than the woman, and the woman is hugely likely to be more feminine than the man. It’s a practical consideration, and not intended as a judgment on my part. I don’t represent that these differences between men and women are either genetic or social in origin; for my purposes, where the differences originate doesn’t matter, only that the differences exist.

Some women – including my own girlfriend – have criticized me for reinforcing traditional gender roles in my advice. They have a point. I’m socially pretty liberal, but when someone asks for my help, my advice is predicated on the world as it is, not the world as I wish it were. A world of true equality would require that we actually change who we’re attracted to and why, which are involuntary choices with complex causes. I won’t impose a specific ideological vision, however much I might agree with it or how obviously advantageous it would be to society as a whole, if pursuing it doesn’t help resolve the immediate situation of the person asking me for advice.

Good Advice. Sometimes I get questions from fairly sleazy-sounding people seeking unethical shortcuts. Sometimes other readers criticize me for not castigating the people who ask such questions. But I think advice isn’t good advice unless it is framed in a way that makes the intended recipient want to follow it. Filling this column with righteous rage might make me or other readers feel good, but doesn’t actually do anything or help anyone. So I soften my response and frame it in a way that I think will be persuasive and make sense within the worldview of the person who asked.

Special thanks to Jasmine Miller and Some Dude’s girlfriend. Email Some Dude at somedude.harvardfml@gmail.com.

Hi all! You may know me as a prolific commenter on HarvardFML; this is my new and improved means of doling out relationship advice! Got a question you want to ask, or a situation you want thoughts and advice on? Email me at somedude.harvardfml@gmail.com, and watch this space for my answer! Today, a Valentine’s Day Special, featuring advice for the single and advice for the taken!

The Oatmeal's Valentine's Day Comic - click above to read the whole thing.

I don’t know what to get my boyfriend/girlfriend for Valentine’s Day. Help!

It’s perfectly okay to stick to the classics – if you’re shopping for a girl, flowers, chocolates, or jewelry are all highly acceptable. Just about anything from Lush works. And remember: you live so close to Burdick, it would be a crime to buy her Godiva. Don’t be afraid to be a little spicy, either (for instance: I’m getting my girlfriend a Snuggie and a copy of the book The Snuggie Sutra). Just a Hallmark card is a cop-out; but just a nice handwritten card is lovely. A nice dinner out works perfectly for both sexes (if you go to Upstairs on the Square on Valentine’s Day you might see me there), but reserve ASAP since it’s a popular night to eat out. Gifts for guys are trickier, because guys typically don’t get into Valentine’s Day as much; when in doubt, just a card is fine. Something token but masculine would work well: for instance, if he’s a snappy dresser and has shirts with French cuffs, get him a pair of cufflinks. Guys often like practical gifts, but a pantygram is cute, too. (Read more…)

Got a relationship question you want to ask, or a situation you want thoughts and advice on? Email me at somedude.harvardfml@gmail.com, and watch this space for my answer! Anonymous writes,

Nice article. Do one for girls too, Some Dude!

I’m not going to sugarcoat it: in the post-college dating world, men have it easier. Women tend to mature earlier, which is great for them at the time, but over their 20s men are finally catching up. There’s a silver lining to that though: the quality of the best men available increases, so don’t fret if you haven’t met someone you really click with yet: he could be worth the wait.

So, how do you meet those higher-quality men? As I recommended to men last week, the solution isn’t to go looking for places where the best single guys look for girls. Why not? Multiple reasons, actually. The competition, of course: it’s easier to stand out when you’re standing alone, rather than in a pack (and you’re also more approachable that way). But also, in places where women go looking for relationships, you will often find a lot of opportunistic guys looking for just sex. If what you really want is a relationship, don’t settle.

Instead, look for places where single guys congregate when they’re not looking for a date — not necessarily only guys, or even only single guys, so long as single guys are part of the mix and there are very few single women looking for single men. My favorite go-to example is PAX East, an annual video game conference in Boston. There will be many undateable guys there too — but any woman present will have first pick of any guy she wants because there are so few women. (Yes, even the best quality men play video games.) Similar situations can be found at a variety of volunteer projects, particularly outdoorsy ones that are more likely to attract guys. (Read more…)