Got a relationship question you want to ask, or a situation you want thoughts and advice on? Email me at somedude.harvardfml@gmail.com, and watch this space for my answer! T.B. asks,

I’m a straight senior guy. In your post-college dating post a couple weeks ago, you suggested post-college activities such as dance classes, community theater, etc. Now, nothing of that sort really grabs me and I totally can’t stomach the thought of doing them just to gain more exposure to girls. I will be too career-focused to actively pursue new girls after I graduate. There is a super hot girl I’m interested in in one of my classes. Any strategies for generating fast results before this semester ends?

Worrying about “fast results” is a trap that will probably undercut you – don’t rush. If you’re worried about timing, just avoid spinning your wheels. I wrote a post a while back about first dates; I think all of my suggestions in that would apply to you well and keep you from unnecessarily stalling. And here are some other relevant posts: dating a senior and everyone has time. If what you want is a relationship that will last beyond graduation, work on building a strong emotional bond: if she feels very strongly about you, she’ll want to either follow you after graduation or encourage you to follow her. With a bit of luck, it’s quite possible to build a relationship to that point in only a matter of months.

While luck plays a role in creating a strong relationship in the first place, keeping it going will always take effort, and no amount of luck will make up for it. If you’re going to be exclusively laser-focused on your career, or won’t compromise your preferred activities (e.g., going to an art gallery if your girlfriend wants you to take her), no amount of good planning at the onset is going to help you in the long term, particularly to hold the attention of the caliber of woman you’re looking for. It requires effort – not just the effort of gestures but the effort of changing yourself for someone else. (Read more…)

Hi all! You may know me as a prolific commenter on HarvardFML; this is my new and improved means of doling out relationship advice! Got a question you want to ask, or a situation you want thoughts and advice on? Email me at somedude.harvardfml@gmail.com, and watch this space for my answer! Today, a Valentine’s Day Special, featuring advice for the single and advice for the taken!

The Oatmeal's Valentine's Day Comic - click above to read the whole thing.

I don’t know what to get my boyfriend/girlfriend for Valentine’s Day. Help!

It’s perfectly okay to stick to the classics – if you’re shopping for a girl, flowers, chocolates, or jewelry are all highly acceptable. Just about anything from Lush works. And remember: you live so close to Burdick, it would be a crime to buy her Godiva. Don’t be afraid to be a little spicy, either (for instance: I’m getting my girlfriend a Snuggie and a copy of the book The Snuggie Sutra). Just a Hallmark card is a cop-out; but just a nice handwritten card is lovely. A nice dinner out works perfectly for both sexes (if you go to Upstairs on the Square on Valentine’s Day you might see me there), but reserve ASAP since it’s a popular night to eat out. Gifts for guys are trickier, because guys typically don’t get into Valentine’s Day as much; when in doubt, just a card is fine. Something token but masculine would work well: for instance, if he’s a snappy dresser and has shirts with French cuffs, get him a pair of cufflinks. Guys often like practical gifts, but a pantygram is cute, too. (Read more…)

Got a relationship question you want to ask, or a situation you want thoughts and advice on? Email me at somedude.harvardfml@gmail.com, and watch this space for my answer! Anonymous writes,

Nice article. Do one for girls too, Some Dude!

I’m not going to sugarcoat it: in the post-college dating world, men have it easier. Women tend to mature earlier, which is great for them at the time, but over their 20s men are finally catching up. There’s a silver lining to that though: the quality of the best men available increases, so don’t fret if you haven’t met someone you really click with yet: he could be worth the wait.

So, how do you meet those higher-quality men? As I recommended to men last week, the solution isn’t to go looking for places where the best single guys look for girls. Why not? Multiple reasons, actually. The competition, of course: it’s easier to stand out when you’re standing alone, rather than in a pack (and you’re also more approachable that way). But also, in places where women go looking for relationships, you will often find a lot of opportunistic guys looking for just sex. If what you really want is a relationship, don’t settle.

Instead, look for places where single guys congregate when they’re not looking for a date — not necessarily only guys, or even only single guys, so long as single guys are part of the mix and there are very few single women looking for single men. My favorite go-to example is PAX East, an annual video game conference in Boston. There will be many undateable guys there too — but any woman present will have first pick of any guy she wants because there are so few women. (Yes, even the best quality men play video games.) Similar situations can be found at a variety of volunteer projects, particularly outdoorsy ones that are more likely to attract guys. (Read more…)

Got a relationship question you want to ask, or a situation you want thoughts and advice on? Email me at somedude.harvardfml@gmail.com, and watch this space for my answer! T.B. asks,

I’m a male graduating senior, girlfriendless, and freaking out that after Harvard, the dating pool is gonna shrink faster than a water balloon thrown at a bed of nails. Now, the clever bit: I am only really interested in Harvard girls — and maybe actresses but that’s another story — picky and vain, but it’s who I am. I’m running out of time and all the hot girls have boyfriends! Can you give me hope?

I can indeed, T.B.

First, you needn’t worry too much: there is indeed an after-college dating world, and it is awesome. It seems scary because there won’t be so many single women your age all living within the same square mile you do, but it’s really not any harder to meet them.

Another thing playing in your favor: as men continue to mature emotionally through their 20s and beyond, they tend to become more desirable – this is because personality tends to affect women’s attraction to men more than vice versa. Since you’re so particular about your tastes in women, that will help you as you get older.

You’re right in your observation that the most desirable girls tend to have boyfriends, but clearly not all of them do, although those that are single tend not to stay single long. But as Randy Munroe helpfully articulated, you have more time — a lot more time — than you think. (Read more…)

Got a relationship question you want to ask, or a situation you want thoughts and advice on? Email me at somedude.harvardfml@gmail.com, and watch this space for my answer! Today, I’m going to respond to a recent HFML:

Can’t get the guy I’ve been seeing to ask me to formal. FML.

This does seem to come up a lot at this time of year! Broadly, the best way to handle this to this is to ask, not wait to be asked. But this is a good opportunity to think about some of the reasons guys don’t ask in situations like this:

He’s afraid you’ll say no. Overwhelmingly this is going to be the real reason. If you’ve been seeing each other but haven’t been to an event like this before as a couple, it may seem to him that this is a big step and he’s not sure you think the two of you are ready for it – even if he does. That good ol’ fear of rejection rears its ugly head, and feels very difficult to overcome. So he’ll play it safe and keep the relationship on the same level it’s been. This is pretty easy for you to overcome just by asking him to go. Or, if you come off as someone who thinks Valentine’s Day exists because retailers have willed it to be so, he may think by extension that you believe formals are phony and shallow and beneath you. Again, easy to overcome if you do the asking. (Read more…)

Got a relationship question you want to ask, or a situation you want thoughts and advice on? Email me at somedude.harvardfml@gmail.com, and watch this space for my answer! JMEO asks, in much the same vein as this recent HarvardFML post,

I’m female, sophomore, and single. There’s a guy I’m interested in and he might be interested in me. He’s a senior; what’s your view on starting something with him at this point?

I don’t see a reason not to. Age is a crude and imprecise measure of maturity, and 2 years is in any case a small difference. I’m guessing your hesitation is that you’re afraid of what might happen come graduation — but far from being a problem, your situation is ideal!
(Read more…)

Hi all! You may know me as a prolific commenter on HarvardFML; this is my new and improved means of doling out relationship advice! Got a question you want to ask, or a situation you want thoughts and advice on? Email me at somedude.harvardfml@gmail.com, and watch this space for my answer! Today, I’m going to answer a question I was asked on HarvardFML and which has come up many times since:

I need to meet new people. How do I do [that]?

There are two parts that go into meeting new people: where to meet them, and how to meet them.

Where to meet them?

• Pick up a new extracurricular. There are lots of groups on campus that don’t have an elaborate or selective process for new members. For instance, just show up on load-in day for any student theater production and help them build their set. I’ve met lots of new people that way. There are 20-25 productions each semester, so a new load-in is happening at least every week.
• Go to a party on campus or at a nearby school. This is easier to do with a friend or two, but can be done solo as well. And there are a ton of nearby schools in Cambridge and Boston. (Read more…)