Inspired by Matthew Kaiser’s “Literature and Sexuality” lecture on the same topic.
As someone with a fairly accurate gaydar (since I have a gay roommate, various Gay Best Friends sprinkled across the globe, and have frequently been described as “a gay man in a female body”, I don’t think this is a compliment), I feel obliged to help prevent fellow heterosexual girls from the tragic mistake of falling for, dating, marrying, or reproducing with a gay guy. I would, however, turn a blind eye to drunken exchanges of saliva with attractive members of the opposite but homosexually-oriented sex (did I just invent that term? Anyway…). Every girl has those moments.
THE QUIZ: Add one point if your boyfriend/crush has one of these characteristics. (BE HONEST!)
- He has more than two pairs of skinny jeans.
- He fits into your skinny jeans. (And you know this because he’s tried them on.)
- He notices when you wear the same outfit for two days in a row.
- He never wears the same outfit for two days in a row.
- He notices when you haven’t straightened your hair.
- He straightens his hair.
- He notices when one of his arm hairs is longer than the rest.
- He is genuinely and visibly distressed by said hair.
- You frequently catch him checking himself out and fixing his hair in the mirror, on the side windows of CVS, on the front screen of his Blackberry, or on the back of his iPhone.
- He uses Wet Wipes for the toilet seat in his bathroom.
- He uses terms like “totes whatever floats your boat,” “whatevs,” “ewwww,” “ughh.” Note the prolonged pronunciation of syllables. In fact, if he whines those words long enough that you start to notice time elapsing, add one more point.