A new series in which you didn’t ask for advice, but you’re getting it anyway.

Bitchgrams Presents: (un)FYL

Lately, moderating FML has started to seem like a full time job… working as a middle school guidance counselor, that is. One of the most common posts Harvard FML receives can be summed-up as: “SWEET JESUS SOMEONE DATE ME!” No need to worry, Bitchgrams is here to help.

Some highlights of Harvard’s lonely state:

Cougar, rawr.

I know more about radiocarbon dating than I do about the fun kind. FML

The cute girl I like doesn’t know I exist. I’m in a freshman seminar with her. FML

“I want your love. I don’t wanna be friends.” FML

My life is turning into Taylor Swift’s “You Belong With Me” video but without the paper unfolding at the end. FML

I’m a freshman and I’m looking for a real relationship. FML

I think I may need to go visit another school to find guys to date. FML

My divorced mother has been on more dates than I have this year. She’s 56. FML

We draw the line at the divorced mother. Notice the trend?

Solution: Ask them out already.

Boys and girls, meet… boys and girls. Although asking a person out on a real live date is perhaps foreign to our generation, this technique has, in fact, worked for all the rest of history. Judging from FML there are a huge number of students looking for something more than a night in the Delphic basement. So get off FML and stop praying for speed dating… Seriously, right now. Ask him/her out for coffee, dinner, a night of drinking and poor decisions, text, call, awkwardly Facebook message. Point is, just do it and give The Voice less to worry about.

xoxo,

Bitchgrams

This morning around 12:00 a.m. EST, an announcement was made on HarvardFML. A message was posted which read,

I’ve realized that girls here are either uninteresting legacies/athletes/prep-schoolers or very, very unattractive. FML.

Now, this was a blow which could be tolerated. However, and ladies please prepare yourselves, a commenter named “mrcockblaster” agrees, stating, “word.” That’s right; “mrcockblaster” is disappointed with us, which leaves only one logical option:

TO CVS! Please ladies, before going out in public, at least try to make yourselves presentable to our (obviously) universally-hot male counterparts. Lipstick! Nail polish! Really, whatever we can do to hide our warthog likeness.

Now we may be some of the smartest young women in the country, but we really shouldn’t forget our place here. Perhaps you should revisit your admissions letter…

HARVARD COLLEGE OFFICE OF ADMISSIONS AND FINANCIAL AID
BYERLY HALL- 8 GARDEN STREET- CAMBRIDGE MASSACHUSETTS 02138

“Dear Ms. _________,

I am delighted to inform you that the Committee on Admissions and Financial Aid has voted to offer you a place in the Harvard Class of 2011 as campus scenery for our male students. Following an old Harvard tradition, a certificate of admission and a mini-skirt are enclosed. Please accept my personal congratulations for your outstanding achievements. We look forward to seeing (not hearing), you in the Fall.

And a final note on propriety: Yes, we do have the same demanding schedules, p-sets and practice hours as the men… but please! How are we ever supposed to snag a “Harvard Hottie” like “mrcockblaster” (posting comments on Harvard FML at midnight) if your hair is in a ponytail and you look sleep-deprived? We should really expect more from ourselves…

Artist’s best approximation of “mrcockblaster:”

Harvard girls are ugly. Word.

Noice would like to present the first installment of our ongoing series called Bitchgrams: You Bitch, I Respond. In which you bitch and She Of The Ruthless Bitchgrams, Molly O’Donnell ’12, responds. Because honestly, we all have things we need to get off our chest and into the blogosphere. So send us your bitchgram today: thehvoicemail@gmail.com. As Shakespeare so aptly put it: The world is a stage, and all the men and women merely bitches.

"GTFO" says Blair and Chuck

And now, onward to our inaugural bitchgram!

Remember this?

From: Wei Gu <weigu11.fas.harvard.edu@gmail.com>
Date: Fri, Sep 25, 2009 at 5:20 AM
Subject: Urgent Discrimination and Administrative Misconducts in GSAS, Faculty of Arts and Sciences, Harvard University
To:

Dear friends,

I am very sorry for the interruption! My name is Wei and I am writing
to you to try to get your support for my endeavor to return to school
after suffering from significant discrimination and misconducts of
some professors and administration officers in GSAS, Faculty of Arts
and Sciences, Harvard University. It is difficult for a student to
fight against those discrimination and misconducts in a powerful
institution, but it is much easier for us to stand up and unite to
create a better academic environment for current and future students
and faculty members.

[...]

Yeah, we’re still a little confused, too. See our translation of this email and Bitchgrams’ response, after the jump.

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