5 People You’ll See at Pre-Interview Receptions

Posted by on October 13, 2012 at 6:00 pm

Dear Harvard,

It’s that time of the year again. The leaves start to change colors, and droves of well-suited career men and women scurry the streets of Cambridge like flies on a humid day. Yes, it’s the much anticipated and maligned recruiting season, when the pre-meds, sociologists, engineers, and art historians of Harvard converge in a single quest to land a plump job at MBB, GS, or JPM. (Note to underclassmen: These are all the acronyms you need to know. Oh, and HBS, HLS, HMS.)

If you happen to walk past Russell House Tavern on a chilly Tuesday evening to find it buzzing uncharacteristically with suits and small talks, chances are, you’re in the presence of a well-funded reception for the lucky dozens who have been selected to interview with a big firm. Let me take you through the five kids (or groups of kids) that you will most definitely run into at these glamorous events.

Disclaimer: There could be overlaps between these categories.

1. The Ass-Kisser

The one who tries so hard that you feel both majorly annoyed, and kind of sorry for them and their delusion. Within the first 20 minutes or so of the event, the Ass-kisser does the rounds of every Senior Associate in the room, gushing with compliments about everything from their hair, to their professional successes, to their summer twiddling their thumbs in Bali. No sooner had the words left the Senior Associate’s mouth than these new ones spilled out of the ass-kisser’s: “That is so cool!” They cut in between conversations to do the only thing they know how: kissing ass. No “conversation” lasts longer than 2 minutes, and they never leave the event without two pockets full of business cards.

2. The Super-Interviewee

You’re bound to run into a few people over and over again at any kind of receptions: Hedge funds, investment banks, consulting firms, Abercrombie & Fitch, Taser International etc. You name it, they are there.  They cast a wide net from New York, NY, to Columbus, OH, all the way to Scottsdale, AZ. It does not matter as long as the benefits packages are okay. They probably look very similar to one another – satin blouse and tight pencil skirts for girls, suits and skinny ties for boys. They probably major in Government, Psychology, or Economics. They probably have a sky-high GPA. They probably wrote their admission essays to Harvard about their passion saving children in Africa. Now, they spend their Wednesday afternoons (just before job applications are due) writing about how much they would love to either manage tens of billions of dollars in assets for the Trumps or create a new line of monogrammed sweatpants for Australian teenagers.

It’s okay. Passion is overrated when you make a six-figure salary. Besides, the African children can wait, right?

3. The Final Club Bro

The Final Club bro walks into the room and dazzles with his $2,000 Brooks Brothers suit, tie and cufflinks ensemble, his perfectly styled hair, and his piercing blue eyes. He walks up to the most senior-looking person in the room, brushes others out of his way, and goes in immediately for a firm handshake. He speaks in a confident manner that is tinged with douchiness.

Please, if he could conquer the punch process, this reception is a piece of cake. He would charm his way into an Associate Consultant position at Bain just as he has into the “hearts” of drunk girls from the entire Greater Boston area. Dude’s got it made!

4. The Interview Selection Mistake

They know it, and you know it. They’re just here for the Finale cakes. Some of them are in denial about it, but it’s okay, the truth will reveal itself in about 24 hours. The good thing about big firms is that they let you know within hours of your interview that you suck. (Or not, but chances are, you do. For instance, a certain high profile hedge fund interviewed 80 people for 2 jobs. Go figure.)

5. The Hipster

The alternative kid spends most of their 20 minutes at the reception standing in a corner, mocking the ass-kissers in their heads, and secretly hating themselves for being there and “selling out.” Make no mistake, at the end of the day, a plump job advising global conglomerates on how to expand their businesses is still far more desirable than manning the cashier at Petsi Pies, or slaving it out at some advertising internships. In 2005, 47% of Harvard graduates went into the finance and consulting industries. The figure last year (according to The Crimson) was 22%, and you wonder how many of the 78% nearly died trying.

 

Note from the Editors: We deeply apologize if this article has offended some of our readers. Though the article was written by an anonymous contributor, we have removed the inappropriate content because it is not in line with The Voice‘s mission of promoting satirical, yet inclusive, content.

 

Category: Blog

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13 Responses

  1. [...] Harvard Voice recently published and then retracted a story called “5 People You’ll See at Pre-Interview Reception.” (They’ve now changed out the offensive part.)  One of “the people” was [...]

  2. [...] I’m April, one of the co-presidents and editors-in-chief of The Voice. Below is my own personal response to the recent issue surrounding the article 5 People You’ll See at Pre-Interview Receptions. [...]

  3. The Voice Staff says:

    The “Asian ass-kissers” remark has been removed. It was erroneously overlooked when the other offensive content was removed.

  4. lauren says:

    What a lie. It wasn’t overlooked and it wasn’t just a remark. Are you kidding? It was just okay with whoever read it in the first place. I doubt your staff is crawling with intelligent people who are empathetic, sensitive, and not racist.

  5. [...] material first appeared on the blog of the Harvard Voice in a posting entitled, “5 People You’ll See at Pre-Interview Receptions,” which poked fun at the [...]

  6. Rainne says:

    This is one of the main reasons I am so damn glad I turned Harvard down.

  7. Ada says:

    “We deeply apologize if this article has offended some of our readers.”
    This is not an apology. An apology is expressing remorse for posting offensive content, not putting the blame on the people who got offended. Also, the new version still has some lovely racism, this time directed at children across the entire continent of Africa. In spite of the fact that Harvard has an African and African American Studies Department.
    Although thank you for giving me something to feel guilty about today, good thing I didn’t wear my bloody school hoodie today.
    Seriously, you removed your racism only to add more, what is wrong with you?

  8. Ada says:

    Oh and there’s classism too. Petsi Pies is awesome and so is everyone who works there, they do great work and they should all be proud AND I LIKE THEM.
    Also, the Bro you mention who preys on drunk women is a sexual predator.

  9. Disappointed says:

    Incredibly disappointed to see how standards for journalism and even human decency have been degrading with each generation. Take responsibility for your racism, own up to your racist whiteness and do something about it! Worst part is I can’t tell if this was written by a legacy brat or lower-class apes.

  10. Cantstandya says:

    You’re allowed to be offended. They’ve got the right to free speech. ” An apology is expressing remorse for posting offensive content” You are responsible for being offended. Nobody cares. It doesn’t give you some kind of special protective rights.

  11. Chris T says:

    To the editors and staff of The Voice, shame on you for allowing this piece to be published. I can forgive that but I can’t accept the ridiculous “apology.” For that, I can assure each of you will find it tough to get an interview next year on Wall St or med/grad school whose interviewers won’t have seen/heard about this. Best of luck (there is a 6th category for you…”no chance”)

  12. Megan Lochte says:

    Great usage of freedom of speech!

    Just like in this video! I invite everyone to check it out if you want to see freedom of speech at its finest! and please, everyone just take a chill pill and laugh at the jokes!

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RmpsLdV3Pso

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