Posted by Anonymous on October 13, 2012 at 6:00 pm
It’s that time of the year again. The leaves start to change colors, and droves of well-suited career men and women scurry the streets of Cambridge like flies on a humid day. Yes, it’s the much anticipated and maligned recruiting season, when the pre-meds, sociologists, engineers, and art historians of Harvard converge in a single quest to land a plump job at MBB, GS, or JPM. (Note to underclassmen: These are all the acronyms you need to know. Oh, and HBS, HLS, HMS.)
If you happen to walk past Russell House Tavern on a chilly Tuesday evening to find it buzzing uncharacteristically with suits and small talks, chances are, you’re in the presence of a well-funded reception for the lucky dozens who have been selected to interview with a big firm. Let me take you through the five kids (or groups of kids) that you will most definitely run into at these glamorous events.
Disclaimer: There could be overlaps between these categories.
1. The Ass-Kisser
The one who tries so hard that you feel both majorly annoyed, and kind of sorry for them and their delusion. Within the first 20 minutes or so of the event, the Ass-kisser does the rounds of every Senior Associate in the room, gushing with compliments about everything from their hair, to their professional successes, to their summer twiddling their thumbs in Bali. No sooner had the words left the Senior Associate’s mouth than these new ones spilled out of the ass-kisser’s: “That is so cool!” They cut in between conversations to do the only thing they know how: kissing ass. No “conversation” lasts longer than 2 minutes, and they never leave the event without two pockets full of business cards.
2. The Super-Interviewee
You’re bound to run into a few people over and over again at any kind of receptions: Hedge funds, investment banks, consulting firms, Abercrombie & Fitch, Taser International etc. You name it, they are there. They cast a wide net from New York, NY, to Columbus, OH, all the way to Scottsdale, AZ. It does not matter as long as the benefits packages are okay. They probably look very similar to one another – satin blouse and tight pencil skirts for girls, suits and skinny ties for boys. They probably major in Government, Psychology, or Economics. They probably have a sky-high GPA. They probably wrote their admission essays to Harvard about their passion saving children in Africa. Now, they spend their Wednesday afternoons (just before job applications are due) writing about how much they would love to either manage tens of billions of dollars in assets for the Trumps or create a new line of monogrammed sweatpants for Australian teenagers.
It’s okay. Passion is overrated when you make a six-figure salary. Besides, the African children can wait, right?
3. The Final Club Bro
The Final Club bro walks into the room and dazzles with his $2,000 Brooks Brothers suit, tie and cufflinks ensemble, his perfectly styled hair, and his piercing blue eyes. He walks up to the most senior-looking person in the room, brushes others out of his way, and goes in immediately for a firm handshake. He speaks in a confident manner that is tinged with douchiness.
Please, if he could conquer the punch process, this reception is a piece of cake. He would charm his way into an Associate Consultant position at Bain just as he has into the “hearts” of drunk girls from the entire Greater Boston area. Dude’s got it made!
4. The Interview Selection Mistake
They know it, and you know it. They’re just here for the Finale cakes. Some of them are in denial about it, but it’s okay, the truth will reveal itself in about 24 hours. The good thing about big firms is that they let you know within hours of your interview that you suck. (Or not, but chances are, you do. For instance, a certain high profile hedge fund interviewed 80 people for 2 jobs. Go figure.)
5. The Hipster
The alternative kid spends most of their 20 minutes at the reception standing in a corner, mocking the ass-kissers in their heads, and secretly hating themselves for being there and “selling out.” Make no mistake, at the end of the day, a plump job advising global conglomerates on how to expand their businesses is still far more desirable than manning the cashier at Petsi Pies, or slaving it out at some advertising internships. In 2005, 47% of Harvard graduates went into the finance and consulting industries. The figure last year (according to The Crimson) was 22%, and you wonder how many of the 78% nearly died trying.
Note from the Editors: We deeply apologize if this article has offended some of our readers. Though the article was written by an anonymous contributor, we have removed the inappropriate content because it is not in line with The Voice‘s mission of promoting satirical, yet inclusive, content.