RelationshipsFML: No Easy Commitments

Posted by on February 21, 2012 at 8:44 am

Got a relationship question you want to ask, or a situation you want thoughts and advice on? Email me at somedude.harvardfml@gmail.com, and watch this space for my answer! T.B. asks,

I’m a straight senior guy. In your post-college dating post a couple weeks ago, you suggested post-college activities such as dance classes, community theater, etc. Now, nothing of that sort really grabs me and I totally can’t stomach the thought of doing them just to gain more exposure to girls. I will be too career-focused to actively pursue new girls after I graduate. There is a super hot girl I’m interested in in one of my classes. Any strategies for generating fast results before this semester ends?

Worrying about “fast results” is a trap that will probably undercut you – don’t rush. If you’re worried about timing, just avoid spinning your wheels. I wrote a post a while back about first dates; I think all of my suggestions in that would apply to you well and keep you from unnecessarily stalling. And here are some other relevant posts: dating a senior and everyone has time. If what you want is a relationship that will last beyond graduation, work on building a strong emotional bond: if she feels very strongly about you, she’ll want to either follow you after graduation or encourage you to follow her. With a bit of luck, it’s quite possible to build a relationship to that point in only a matter of months.

While luck plays a role in creating a strong relationship in the first place, keeping it going will always take effort, and no amount of luck will make up for it. If you’re going to be exclusively laser-focused on your career, or won’t compromise your preferred activities (e.g., going to an art gallery if your girlfriend wants you to take her), no amount of good planning at the onset is going to help you in the long term, particularly to hold the attention of the caliber of woman you’re looking for. It requires effort – not just the effort of gestures but the effort of changing yourself for someone else.

That doesn’t mean you need to become a kiss-ass – that doesn’t work either; but if you can’t stomach the thought of taking up a new activity to meet someone, will you be willing to do things you don’t like just to humor her once you have met her? Bottom line, if what you’re doing now isn’t working for you, you’re probably going to have to break out of your comfort zone sooner or later, and breaking out sooner will help you more. A stable romantic relationship makes us much happier than money can, so there’s definitely a serious payoff in quality of life if you change priorities.

I know that’s probably not exactly what you’re hoping to hear, but I hope it helps!

Special Thanks to J.J., John, Kuf, and Community. Good luck to Some Dude’s girlfriend on her Psych midterm! Email Some Dude at somedude.harvardfml@gmail.com.

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