RelationshipsFML: Dating a Senior
Posted by Some Dude on October 31, 2011 at 3:56 pm
Got a relationship question you want to ask, or a situation you want thoughts and advice on? Email me at somedude.harvardfml@gmail.com, and watch this space for my answer! JMEO asks, in much the same vein as this recent HarvardFML post,
I’m female, sophomore, and single. There’s a guy I’m interested in and he might be interested in me. He’s a senior; what’s your view on starting something with him at this point?
I don’t see a reason not to. Age is a crude and imprecise measure of maturity, and 2 years is in any case a small difference. I’m guessing your hesitation is that you’re afraid of what might happen come graduation — but far from being a problem, your situation is ideal!
Older guys and younger girls often make excellent matches: guys tend to find younger women more attractive for the sensory reasons that men experience attraction, and girls tend to find older men more attractive for the personality reasons that women experience attraction. A moderate age difference gives a lasting boost to both. Unsurprisingly, such moderate age difference is a trait statistically linked to successful relationships. And even better, if your relationship is going strong by the time he graduates, you’ll still be in the 1-2 year honeymoon stage of your relationship too, when the passion is particularly palpable.
From a practical perspective, if you mean enough to him, he’ll make it work. He’ll take a job or go to grad school close enough to still see you reasonably frequently. And if he won’t do that, then the relationship wasn’t going to last anyway.
And there’s a silver lining to even that: if he wants to break it off at graduation or things go badly, you’ll be able to move on much easier if he’s not around, and your experience with him will make your following relationships more fulfilling.
There’s risk in any relationship, but I think this potential one has a better chance of working than most. Go for it!
Special Thanks to Dr Emmanuel Fragniere. Email Some Dude atsomedude.harvardfml@gmail.com.
“Older guys and younger girls often make excellent matches: guys tend to find younger women more attractive for the sensory reasons that men experience attraction, and girls tend to find older men more attractive for the personality reasons that women experience attraction.” Um, [citation needed]. This smacks of crappy interpretations of evolutionary psychology, and also it seems tenuously interpreted across a two year age gap.
Also the news article you cite is on a statistical paper that found women in their sample more than five years older than their partner were more likely to have divorced after their study period; however, directly relating dissolution to a “successful” relationship as you do seems a not fully convincing causal link.
Hi Um,
You’re quite right that I’m not scientifically rigorous in my advice. If I were, this would be very different style of column. I make recommendations mostly on the basis of my own experience and observation.
My beliefs on why [straight] men and women experience attraction are explained in greater detail in my past posts.
Thanks again for the comment!
And see, I wouldn’t have a problem so much with you being unscientifically rigorous if your column was more of a “here’s my experience, in my relationships with people. This might work for you, too.” But from reading your column, you tend to present things as FACT and make claims for this being HOW MEN AND WOMEN WORK. In particular, this article’s use of citation and the way it presents itself seems to be trying to convey empirical truth, and I find it problematic that you’re doing it sorta halfway, without being rigorous.
I understand what you’re trying to do, but I just don’t see it as responsible to present your views in such an absolutist way, especially when some of them directly violate what empirical literature has shown.
I think we’re going to have to agree to disagree. At the top of every post, I describe the contents of my column as “thoughts and advice,” not scientific research. After that caveat, I believe what I say and present it wholeheartedly, in the same way that I would if I were asked in person. When someone asks for advice, you have to answer with conviction and not be wishy-washy – otherwise the recipient hears only what they want to hear.
I think you’ve also misunderstood the point where you think the research is contradicting me: in the above post I’m recommending an age gap where the man is older. It makes sense to me that divorce rates are higher for marriages where the woman was more than 5 years older.
[...] apply to you well and keep you from unnecessarily stalling. And here are some other relevant posts: dating a senior and everyone has time. If what you want is a relationship that will last beyond graduation, work on [...]