Inspired by Matthew Kaiser’s “Literature and Sexuality” lecture on the same topic. 

As someone with a fairly accurate gaydar (since I have a gay roommate, various Gay Best Friends sprinkled across the globe, and have frequently been described as “a gay man in a female body”, I don’t think this is a compliment), I feel obliged to help prevent fellow heterosexual girls from the tragic mistake of falling for, dating, marrying, or reproducing with a gay guy. I would, however, turn a blind eye to drunken exchanges of saliva with attractive members of the opposite but homosexually-oriented sex (did I just invent that term? Anyway…). Every girl has those moments.

THE QUIZ: Add one point if your boyfriend/crush has one of these characteristics. (BE HONEST!)

- He has more than two pairs of skinny jeans.

- He fits into your skinny jeans. (And you know this because he’s tried them on.)

- He notices when you wear the same outfit for two days in a row.

- He never wears the same outfit for two days in a row.

- He notices when you haven’t straightened your hair.

- He straightens his hair.

- He notices when one of his arm hairs is longer than the rest.

- He is genuinely and visibly distressed by said hair.

- You frequently catch him checking himself out and fixing his hair in the mirror, on the side windows of CVS, on the front screen of his Blackberry, or on the back of his iPhone.

- He uses Wet Wipes for the toilet seat in his bathroom.

- He uses terms like “totes whatever floats your boat,” “whatevs,” “ewwww,” “ughh.” Note the prolonged pronunciation of syllables. In fact, if he whines those words long enough that you start to notice time elapsing, add one more point.

- He says things like “Those shoes make her calves look fat.”

- He knows the difference between a romper, a jumpsuit, overalls, and a dress.

- He knows what a romper is.

- Wave a fake spider/cockroach/mouse in front of him and his scream rivals the decibel level of a small jet taking off.

- He’s reluctant to help you take out the trash on a rainy day because it might ruin his new Sperrys.

- He has a girly, high-pitched, giggly laugh. See: Anderson Cooper’s video on YouTube.

If your boyfriend/crush/random run-in in the Yard wears khaki pants with tennis shoes, minus a million points. You’ve got yourself a keeper! Now you can start working on revamping his wardrobe.

If your boy has accumulated more than 12 points at this stage, then chances are, he doesn’t swing for your team. My condolences. But welcome to the club of girls-who-crush-on-(gay)-boys! My congratulations! (Hey, being a part of a group means something at Harvard.)

But seriously though, my motto at Harvard is that “Every (good-looking, well-mannered, well-spoken, obsess-worthy, etc.) guy is gay until proven otherwise.” I’m just saying.

Disclaimer: This quiz is not meant to be 100% accurate or politically correct.

Special Thanks to my roommate, Ricardo Medina, for inspiring me. As always, dude. *high five*