RelationshipsFML: How to Attract Men
Posted by Some Dude on February 7, 2011 at 6:27 pm
Hi all! You may know me as a prolific commenter on HarvardFML; this is my new and improved means of doling out relationship advice! Got a question you want to ask, or a situation you want thoughts and advice on? Email me at somedude.harvardfml@gmail.com, and watch this space for my answer!
Today, though, is part two of a three-part series of posts on attraction. Here’s part one, if you missed it.
Men and women experience attraction for different reasons. Whether the difference is primarily social or biological in origin I won’t speculate on, but ultimately it doesn’t matter because the differences are impossible to ignore. Today I will tackle how to attract men.
Attraction in men is mostly a response to feminine sensory stimuli. Since you can tell how someone looks or sounds pretty much immediately, attraction in men tends to happen faster in men than in women, who rely more heavily on things like personality and sense of humor, which can only be detected over time.
There is a strategy for attracting men which works effectively and reliably whether you’re a supermodel or not. It’s a seduction of the senses, and this is how it works: First, get the guy’s attention. Then, hold the guy’s attention without overtly reciprocating. Whatever he seems to want, give less – it keeps him hoping for more, and the anticipation builds his attraction. High enough attraction overcomes everything else, so by building his attraction early, you don’t need to have a perfect personality or a perfect body.
Getting and holding a guy’s attention are done the same way. We’ll go through it one sense at a time.
Looking seductive: Looks do matter, obviously. Some people are lucky enough to have a head-start, but that’s all it is, a start, not a ceiling. There’s more to looks, and more ways to enhance them, than you might think. There’s clothing and cosmetics, but there’s also movement and posture. And just looking healthier will always help you.
The right clothing will make anyone look better. For instance, women with smaller busts bust look good with halter necklines. Talk to someone with a good eye and whose judgment you trust for advice. Don’t show too much skin – hint at the body underneath, but leave most of it to the imagination! That’s the point of the tease: be attractive without giving anything away. Being seductive is not the same thing as being slutty; slutty encourages men to think they can jump right to sex, but even if that’s what you’re looking for, the slutty approach doesn’t work for everyone. As I said before, strong enough attraction overcomes imperfections; if you short-circuit the tease by giving away the game early, you lose the advantage of building extra attraction before you show your imperfections. Slutty can work sometimes, but seduction works better.
Movement and posture are often overlooked in the shuffle to look good, which is a shame, because they’re much easier to change than body type. My best advice is to relax. Slow down. When you sit, it should look like you’ve gently draped yourself on the chair. When you walk, don’t be in a rush. Be inviting. Be poised. Be sultry. Mesmerize. Which actually ties in well with…
Sounding seductive: Again, relax. Slow down. If you have a chirpy voice, let it deepen a little. Again, be sultry. Mesmerize. Don’t rush to assure the guy that you’re nice, supportive, stable, caring, witty, smart, or knowledgeable - while personality does come into attraction, men will put up with flaws and shortcomings in that area in women whom they’re otherwise attracted to. Not that you should be mean-spirited and vacuous, just that you can take your time and not be in a rush to prove anything.
If making smalltalk makes you nervous, have a few broad, inclusive things you can talk about at the ready. I read the news every day, and that gives me stuff to talk about. (For example, “Did you hear what’s going on in Egypt?”) What you say isn’t nearly as important as how you say it.
Smelling seductive: fragrance is optional, but many men like it. It should be something clean, not heavy. Just the merest suggestion is enough – don’t overpower. And obviously, while perfume or scented shampoo is optional, deodorant is not.
Feeling seductive: Touch is a big attraction trigger for men. Use it, but use it sparingly. Remember what I said about the difference between slutty and seductive. The essence of the tease is to always, always leave the guy wanting more. The anticipation amplifies attraction. When you do use touch, don’t by shy: be deliberate, not fleeting.
Tasting seductive: Brush your teeth regularly. Shower regularly. And it’s a good idea to have some gum on you at all times, just in case. Be prepared.
And that’s it! I’ve seen this strategy work for lots of people in lots of situations – from walking into a room and starting something from nothing, to getting a guy to notice someone who’s been there all along, to refreshing a relationship that’s beginning to go stale. You can ease out of this strategy over time as a relationship is born and you no longer need it, and return to it whenever you think the attraction is flagging.
If you have any questions, or a specific situation where you want to apply it but aren’t sure how, email me and I’ll answer. Good luck! And stay tuned next time for: How to Attract Women.
Special thanks to Sarah Littlehale, Sarah Rodman, Anna Frappaolo, and phone tag with Bruce Georgian. Email Some Dude at somedude.harvardfml@gmail.com.
Pretty good advice for women seeking men, but so heteronormative! :(
I concur that “Did you hear what’s going on in Egypt?” is a very seductive question.
Although I think I give pretty good advice to straight folks, I just don’t have the experience to say whether it’s any good for LGBT folks. A Windows IT guy may love Macs, but not know how to address their unique problems.
If there are LGBT folks out there who are trying my stuff, I want to hear from you! What’s working and what’s not? Or better yet, any LGBT relationship gurus at Harvard who want to guest-write some posts?
[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Cristine, Tori Lafferty and John J Genzano, getherbackfast. getherbackfast said: RelationshipsFML: How to Attract Men – Noice. // daily blog of The … http://bit.ly/hHjsqC [...]
As the mother of a freshman, and a top executive at Microsoft, I do not appreciate the analogy between my blooming company, and my daughter’s blossoming love life. Mr. Dude, I neither tasted seductive nor smelled seductive when my toothpaste and deodorant ran out in a midnight coding session, but that’s exactly where I met my husband-to-be. My daughter should be able to figure this out for herself, without these kind of suggestive suggestions, Some.
Ms. Babies, if your daughter is “able to figure this out for herself,” then she is probably not reading this blog. The reason it exists is that some of us are looking for a little help. If you feel Some Dude’s advice is suspect, by all means advise your daughter accordingly.
Incidentally, I do not think my peers would find anything “sketchy” about someone “making a move” in Ec 10 (possibly the safest and least threatening context known to man).
As for you, Mr. Dude, I must say I’m a bit daunted by the prospect of transforming into Lauren Bacall! All of this sounds appropriate for a party, but what about that guy you regularly talk to in the dining hall? Do we have to be pulling this Lauren Bacall stuff every day, all the time?
DontMindMe, I think the more you do this the better it works. Transforming your personality is always more effective than simply putting on a mask. But you can pick and choose what parts of it to adopt and when. Different people may get more mileage out of different parts of it.
Hadn’t even thought of Lauren Bacall as an example, but she fits perfectly! You’re a sharp one.
[...] though, is part three of a three-part series of posts on attraction. Here are parts one and two, if you missed [...]
whatever happened to “being yourself”? i want to find someone who likes me for me, not likes me because i’m “seductive.” i find this anti-feminist.
Hi Indignant,
Isn’t the very notion of relationship advice predicated on the realization that just “being yourself” doesn’t work very well for a lot of people? If just “being yourself” works for you, then you don’t need any advice.
I’m sorry you think this is anti-feminist. I disagree: I think it’s empowering. By taking active control of what “yourself” is, you can choose your mate, expanding the potential field to people who would otherwise be far out of your league. There’s nothing sacred about “being yourself”; who you are has been changing constantly over your life, and will continue to change. Rather than letting that happen directionlessly, I recommend that people choose what they want, and fashion themselves in order to get it.
You might want to read my previous post on Misogyny in Dating Advice.
[...] moment that you’re doing right, will keep you on your feet. I recommend my past posts about attracting men and attracting women for [...]
[...] the better. Expensive plastic surgery or significant lifestyle changes are hardly required. How you move, how you dress, how you sound, and more can all be used to give yourself an immediate b…, with much less [...]
[...] better strategy is to move on. Look for other people. Have a good time. Be as attractive as you can be. But stay close and visible to this [...]
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[...] things like posture, hygiene, tone of voice, and so on. I go into these things in a lot more detail in this post. Then, you just need to be visible. One of the best ways for naturally shy women to express [...]
Good read, as a doctor of psychology I agree with this article. I can also add that being seductive is the ability of tapping into sexual energy. There is a natural chemical component that triggers sexual response in all species, including humans. In miro-biology, its called pheromones, which is a secreted or excreted chemical factor that triggers a social response in members of the same species. Found in women exclusively, this natural chemical can do wonders if a woman is able to tap her inner self and become in control of her sexual energy. We all have known at some point the girl that always gets the guy, often you may even wonder, what does she have that you don’t have, if you pay attention closely, you’ll be able to see her pheromones in action. The trick is doing this tactfully in a socially acceptable way.