by Anonymous

Desperate times call for desperate measures. We’ve all had our fair share of 3 a.m. scallion pancakes at The Kong after a long night out and, at the time, they’re always AWESOME. The Kong can also provide a haven for late-night p-setters, who are “just as desperate for food but sober, so the hunger strikes harder.” But the Kong opens at 11:30… a.m. What on earth happens there during normal business hours? The Voice ventures to find out.

5:00 p.m.: Yikes. Where is everyone? Where are the drunken students trying to figure out tip? The kid asleep on the table? Sketchy guy spitting game over spicy noodles? This is not the Kong I know and love.

Occupants of the Kong: One small family and a professor-looking person chowing down on fried rice. Was seated quickly and brought water and a menu. This is… not so bad?

5:10 p.m.: Water: refilled. Ordered: Scallion Pancakes, Crab Rangoon, Sesame Chicken, and Hot Basil Noodles. I am scared and excited for greasy Chinese all at the same time.

5:29 p.m.: Food arrives quickly, it looks… good?! First bites= Delicious, delicious Chinese. Total win. But after awhile, you start to get the feeling that without the heavenly glow of alcohol surrounding your Hot Basil Noodles, Kong food really is just mediocre Chinese fare.  This is like finding out Santa isn’t real all over again. I want Santa back.

5:56 p.m.: Three girls come in and start recounting their weekend final club conquests. I’m starting to feel more comfortable. Nighttime Kong does exist in milder daylight form.

5:58 p.m.: Hilarity of girls next to us wears off, carb coma sets in. Need. To. Move.

5:59 p.m.: Movement impossible. Will wait for check and consider calling blockmates for assistance.

6:03 p.m.: Check arrives along with fortune cookies. We tubble outside. Mission Kong: Complete.

OVERALL REVIEW: It’s not the worst thing you could eat in the square. If you’re in the mood for some reasonably delicious Chinese during normal hours, the Kong is not a bad option at all. The service is quick and thorough (our water was refilled five times) and the food is generally tasty and inexpensive. However, Kong food is really best enjoyed after 1 a.m. with your best friends and that random guy you met in the quad. Really can’t beat it.

Our Fortunes:

Ability is not something to be shown off.

Attention is the mother of memory.

Inch by inch life’s a cinch. Yard by yard life is hard.

…… in bed.

Highlights from Kong’s Chick Power Playlist:

1)    Nelly Furtado: I’m Like a Bird

2)    Norah Jones: Sunrise

3)    Jewel: Breathe

4)    Brittany Spears: Toxic

5)    Beyonce: Irreplaceable

Photographic Evidence: