Posted by The Voice Staff on March 21, 2010 at 2:58 pm
Submitted by an actual Voice frosh.
12:00am – Finally got out of Slumber Party and itching to commence the real celebration of the night. Yep, that’s right! It’s River Running time, folks!! HUPD and CUPD (? Cambridge Police? Canta Popo?) catch me if you can! The willful will prevail and the timid shall be Quadded!
12:07am - Text from Currierite best friend, “Drop by and visit me!” Not wanting to hurt best friend’s feelings, but it’s called River Run for a reason! Neglect to reply. Will just tell her that i’m too drunk to know which shuttle to get on at this point. V. scared of catching the LMA2 by mistake and getting deported to the scary land of disenfranchised geeks, a.k.a MIT.
12:10am - Penguin House here I come! Quincy is sweeeet. Have you seen the view from New Quincy? Am talked into taking double shots by blockmates and sketchy looking senior dude in a hoodie. It’s fine. I’m all about utilizing (free) resources. Feeling v. upbeat and happy.
12:20am – Basking in the glory of Voicelove at Leverett. If you ever need a reason to comp The Voice, this is it.
12:34am - Left Lev and headed for Winthrop Penthouse! Regardless of what FlyBy says, this house has awesome senior housing! Will definitely turn this into partyland should I get Throp-ped. Might have crept my host out with my over-enthusiasm to indulge in his generosity, i.e. inhaling his booze.
12:45am - Left Thropicana and headed for Jerkland. I mean Kirkland. With its rampant yellow fever and renowned flair for everything incestuous, K-House is a perfect match for me. Seriously. Have pinpointed a couple of targets for IncestFest next year.
12:47am - Unceremoniously kicked out of a senior suite by a resident tutor. “What did I tell you about freshmen and shot glasses?” Walk out into the courtyard with a debilitating sense of rejection, only to run into a group of boys drinking right there under a tree, and another group of boys entering another entryway. I’m sure they are just there to appreciate the Cambridge skyline and visit Kirkland cribs. What is this? Sexual discrimination? Must take note for Feminism seminar the next day.
01:10am – Take one round around the courtyard and enter another entryway. Determined to accomplish mission in Incest House. I mean, come on!
01:12am - Mission accomplished! Leaving for Domus the Elephant House. Undoubtedly one of the best houses on campus. Roaches notwithstanding.
01:20am – Take a detour to Adams, a.k.a the most hated House, also because everybody knows it is the best House. Or Claverly. Which is, like, fake Adams. But who cares? It’s free booze and good luck all the same.
01:30am - Claverly. Why does it say Quincy on this door? Suddenly remember that an extracurricular boss lives here. Might or might not have drunk-emailed him, complete with BLOCK LETTERS. The next meeting will be v. awkward.
01:32am – Claverly senior housing is siiiiick. There’s a bra hanging on a chair. Who said Harvard students don’t know how to have fun?
01:52am – RIVER RUN A GLORIOUS SUCCESS! Feeling surprisingly okay and optimistic about housing assignment. Spending the night in blockmate’s room.
07:00am – Wake up without a clear sense of where i was. Familiar sentiments. Relieved to find self safely still in blockmate’s room. It’s Housing Day! I think i was more excited about the Run than about the actual assignment itself. I tried to cook ramen with a microwave once and the whole thing exploded, causing fire alarm to go off and the entire boarding school to be evacuated. My luck is just THAT crappy.
07:30am – Having difficulty in balancing self. Clearly still drunk from last night’s shenanigans. Where am I exactly? Union dorms are such mazes. Can’t find the bathroom. Contemplate peeing in a cup but thankfully discover that I still retain some fragments of dignity.
08:00am – Safely situated in Wigg. Holding breath and waiting for THE letter to come. No time to brush teeth and wash face, never mind shower. Pretty sure i smell and look like crap. If only that could scare away the spirits of the Quad and Dunster.
08:40am - Housing assignment texts and Facebook statuses start streaming in. Where the fuck are my delegations?
08:50am - The longer I wait, the more convinced I become that there can be no good ending to this story. Delegations might have been too saddened by the prospect of delivering letter to a bunch of screaming, object-throwing freshmen that they decided to go back to their Cabot pad instead.
09:00am – Blockmate checks Gmail by mistake and finds out that linking group is put in Leverett. Sky is falling. The apocalypse is coming. Cannot balance. Blockmates start screaming. Can hear heart breaking. Fuck fuckitty fuck!
09:05am – Moose noises and people yelling “Dunster” at the door. Are you freaking kidding me?!? As soon as Dunsterites leave, start banging head against the wall, then collapse on the floor sprawling, screaming and seizing. Blockmates are legit afraid that foam will start to come out of my mouth and then I will be dead. This is the perfect combination of drunkenness, broken heartedness and lack of sleep. Facebook status of another rising Moose: “Fuck me right now. I’d rather live outside CVS.”
The rest of day passes by like a blur. Cry my way through coffee and make a spectacle of myself in Annenberg. Just when I look like a walking mountain of lardy crap, complete with disshelved hair and unflattering white-but-has-turned-off-white t-shirt. Great. Oh God! There comes my Sophomore Crush. There is NO way he does not see me with a giant yellow bow on my head and all kinds of fluid bursting out of my face. If this isn’t a HarvardFML moment, I don’t know what is. I take comfort in knowing that we will probably never be in proximity of each other again, seeing how I will be housed in the land of social oblivion, and he all the way at the other end of the River community. The more happening, posh, flashy end. Might as well utilize my location on the river bank by jumping straight out my window and diving head first into the water. I can’t swim.
So much for hoping that the River gods will remember the number of hours i’ve “logged” in the area. Break down crying whenever any one mentions “housing.” Great to know how humiliating I’m capable of becoming. But tomorrow is another day and I shall continue to deceive myself into thinking that Dunster does not exist, that it is just a figment of my imagination and that I was actually put in Adams. Or Lowell. Or Quincy. Or Kirkland. Or Eliot. Or even Winthrop.
All whining aside, I’m sure I will be fine whichever House I’m put into. If nothing else, my highly exaggerated and very public meltdown makes for a great video footage. I’d rather keep it for personal viewing for now, but when I’m more comfortable with myself (that is to say, never), I shall release it to the brutal world of YouTube. Let’s face it, unless you’re in HoCo (and most of us won’t be), or meet your super hot boyfriend slash future father of your child in a House function (a huge majority of us definitely won’t), chances are your House affiliation will not mean much to you beyond the place where you go back to after a night of debauchery in Mather and sleep. Locations aside, Harvard Houses are hardly distinguishable. If I have made friends with upperclassmen in every other Houses and have a great time whenever I trek to the River, I don’t see why I won’t be able to do the same at Dunster. And finally, if there was ever any gleam of hope between me and Sophomore Crush, it wouldn’t make much of a difference whether I was a Moose, a Penguin or a Fish. All this I knew as I was lying flat on the floor of my blockmate’s Wigglesworth suite, flailing about as if to mop her suspiciously stained floor and sobbing uncontrollably.
My point is that it’s fun to go all melodramatic and bat shit crazy every once in a while, and then blame it on the alcohol. It’s a great way to relieve stress and call attention to yourself. In this case, not in a good way. Besides, there is nothing more Harvard than to complain about having an adequately furnished suite to call your own on a piece of prime real estate, four meals every day, and 24/7 gym facilities, just because there is another suite somewhere out there that is four square feet bigger and two minutes closer to Pinocchio’s. Right?