UMMMMMM. As I was browsing the lovely world wide web this morning I could not help but notice the following headline “Police Searching for Teenager Armed With Machete in Harvard Square.” Now…I’m all for sensationalism so I’m just going to come right out and say it: WHAT THE HELL IS THIS, ‘NAM?! HOW DO YOU EVEN GET A HOLD OF A MACHETE IN 2010!? The linked article reports on the suspect: “‘He is armed with a machete, so use caution,’ said a dispatcher.” WELL NO SHIT SHERLOCK. If I see a guy with a suspicious looking baton I’m going to run for the hills–no I don’t care if it has sparkles on it! This is an ALL CAPS what on earth is going on moment. I’m genuinely concerned about going to CVS now since my soda runs could become like running through a war zone. I don’t like that.

“Police have been checking the area of The Pit, Brattle Street, and Harvard Yard,” the article continues. So basically, what this means is DON’T SWIPE ANYONE WITH A MACHETE INTO YOUR DORM. I really don’t like how close all of these locations are to the big H homeland. The report came in over dispatch and the suspect allegedly is “between 16-17 years old, 6 feet tall, with blond hair and a black jacket with white stripes.” What bothers me greatly about this is that he should be learning how to drive, maybe going see Avatar, not wearing stripes (they’re not in season), but he’s instead terrorizing the ‘Bridge with a machete. I don’t like this. Not one bit.

Amateur Guestimation of Suspect's Looks by Me

So, if you see any suspicious activity–like a young man/human/crazy person wielding a CRAZY LARGE knife, call the popo and RUN. I think we all know that talking down a machete wielder, no matter how well you did in Psych, is not a great plan. Flee people. Flee. Or invest in a bodyguard. Hey that kid at Georgetown sent out a personal ad for an assistant–if anyone around the Yard feels like pulling a Watchmen (which I may or may not be currently watching on HBO), and protecting us all (specifically me), from the Machete Man, just hit me up. Via e-mail. Don’t hit me.