Oh children of this generation, why have you not learned that everything spreads faster than herpes in the Jersey Shore house? This little gem came across our virtual doorstep this morning, and we can’t decide whether to be disturbed, laugh, or run for the bloody hills. How about you decide?

“Hey you (yes, I mean you ladies),

A wise man once said that a rich man can find no compensation for his time wasted on helping those who, though they may have asked for it (and wish it with all of their hearts), do not need or deserve such aid and may be viewed through vengeful eyes as the contemptuous bribe of a vain individual lacking ambition and sympathy all at the same time. Speaking of which the Freshman Formal (otherwise known in some circles as the “Snow Ball”) is approaching, slowly but surely, with each day that passes. Its eventual arrival cannot, to my knowledge, be stopped so I will cut to the chase. Out of the entire freshman class, I have selected you select few as recipients to receive something that few, if any, unselected individuals will ever have the chance to receive. Yes, you have guessed it (or have you?), I am extending the invitation to accompany me to said event. While you may be skeptical, I have planned for this by including a list of qualifications that make me the perfect person to have a splendid few awkward freshman hours with at our hallowed dance/shin-dig. They are as follows:

*I have received the H1N1 vaccination

*I am not a bee

*I can bench press 250… kilograms

*I am the captain of the Harvard Table Tennis Team ™

*I have a way with word (but don’t know how the fuck to use excel)

*I’m the boss

*I am the streets

*I live by three rules: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lDxvxbgtXj4&feature=related (see 3:18)

*I can beat Caster Semenya in a race

*I cannot beat Caster Semenya in an arm wre stling contest

*I cannot tell a lie

*I was born in a log cabin surrounded by the most wondrous pine trees the human eye has ever had the pleasure to gaze upon

*I can play the didgeridoo

*I bathe in synergy and lavender

*My voice has been called a combination of Morgan Freeman, Luciano Pavarotti, and Stephen Hawking

*I’m not from Miami, trick

*I once needed to tell Bob Marley to relax

*I once reprimanded Chuck Norris for being a wussy

*I founded the Nobel Prize, the Polio vaccine, and France

*I can draw a perfect circle with my left hand

*I am right handed

*I know every language (including parseltongue), but then again I should since I invented them

*I have a formidable stamp collection

*I have never lost at Bingo

*I am planning on studying to become a football player doctor astronaut (at least for my day job)

*etc…

Some of my statistics include:

Height: excellent

Body fat percentage: -5

Abs: optimum

Rating (1-10): 8.7

Likes: things pertaining to awesome

Enough said. Please RSVP by January 22, I will accept payment for my ticket by cash or check. See you then.

Good luck with the application process,

[redacted]”

UHHH.