by Ingrid Pierre ‘12
December 2009 Issue

Dear Undergrads,

If you thought four days of Thanksgiving break were hard, try this newly extended break on for size. J-Term? More like “J-Terminate me, now”! Some of you may wonder, what’s so bad about several weeks of continuous break with family-members-who-love-you-dearly-and-haven’t-seen-you-in-months-and-want-to-catch-up-really-badly-but-not-before-you-show-them-how-to-work-skype-so-you-can-call-grandma-and-then-fix-the-TV-that’s-been-broken-since-you-left-because-no-one-else-knows-how-to-do-it? (Yeah…) Perhaps that’s assuming a great deal about your home life. But that’s just the thing; you do have a home life and a Harvard life. And if you’re an ordinary person, you should know that there’s a clear distinction between the two.

So for those of you who may not know what you’re in for this break, we’ve come up with a little advice on how to ease back into Kansas, Dorothy.

Social Etiquette:

• If someone asks you about school, just smile and say it’s all good. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT mention how horrible CS50 was or bring up any readings and assignments in conversation. No one cares. We mean it. Also, tone down the big words and use of obscure eponymous adjectives. While you may fling around a “panegyric”, “heteronormative”, or “Aeschylean” on the daily here, everyone else will think you’re a tool.
• Don’t wear your COOP approved Harvard gear in public. Keep a low profile, and don’t rub it in people’s faces that you go here, besides any schmoe can get a Harvard shirt. I mean your cousins probably wear theirs all the time (for the ladies, of course).
  
• When watching movies and TV shows with friends, keep your mouth shut. Don’t point out historical inaccuracies, grammatical mistakes, physics FAILS, or try to indicate where someone is making a clever Henry Darger reference. Unless, of course you did that before you went here and then we’re pretty sure the only friends you’d have would be right there along with you.
• If you go on television for any reason over break, please don’t make us look bad. We suffered enough with that chick on Season 10 of America’s Next Top Model. (Tyra: Who was your favorite English literature heroine? EmbarassmentToHarvard: I didn’t pay that much attention in those classes.)

Personal Hygiene/Maintenance:

• Normal people sleep. You no longer have to pull all-nighters. If you find yourself going to bed at 3 and four in the morning, rethink this.  Along the same lines, waking up at 11 or 12 AM because you only have one class in the afternoon is a college-only custom. I know you may have forgotten what with the budget cuts, but the most important meal of the day is breakfast, not brain break. If you find that your sleep schedule is severely screwed up, try what we call a “hard reset”. That is stay up all night so that you’ll be tired earlier in the day, possibly even by 10 PM. Be warned, this technique only works for some and could severely backfire on you (read: falling asleep at noon). Also, do not schedule time to operate heavy machinery on reset day. And if all else fails, read some Hegel if you want to get the sleep you desire.
• Wearing sweats all day urrr-vryday, wearing pajamas outside the house… not okay. Don’t make us all look lazy.
• Enjoy your new ability to poop in total privacy, without having to share with an entire floor of dirty college kids. If you’re a guy that is. We all know that girls don’t poo.
• Keep busy. Take up gardening, contra-dancing, or needlepoint if you don’t have anything lined up. Trust us. Your Harvardian neurosis will kick in and you’ll be as jittery as a junkie stranded in rural Singapore.  Or worse, you’ll lay comatose for days on end catching up on all four seasons of Dexter, eventually resorting to shows on the CW like The Vampire Diaries. Shudder.

Familial Relations:

• Do not ask mom or dad or grandparents if they can make you a grilled cheese sandwich. That’s a HUDS deal, only at Harvard. You’re an adult now; make your own damn sandwich. Along those lines, if you want to make a parent happy, do your own laundry (that is, if your wealthy HSA-spoiled ass was doing your own laundry to begin with).
• Don’t show mom and dad Harvard FML or ISawYouHarvard. No one likes a hovering guardian, plus they’ll likely email us, and frankly, we have our own parents to deal with.
• If you have siblings in different colleges, encourage mom and dad to put their college’s stickers on the car too. Harvard FTW, but this will ease household tensions, trust us (of course you know you’re the favorite child, but why rub it in?).

That’s all for now. In any case, you’re pretty smart aren’t you? You can figure it out as you go along.

Best of luck,
The Voice

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