Hi there. This is The Voice Ninja. Who am I? Why have you never seen or heard of me? It’s because I’m a ninja, duh.

Occasionally I’ll come out of the shadows when The Voice hires me for a little espionage. While it’s of questionable morality, sure, I like to think of it as community service. No but really, my feudal Lord (aka TF) caught me plagiarizing in lit-sex and they made me agree to either do this or take a gap year.

So here I am, hiding out in a tree, watching a final club’s induction…or what looks like the beginnings of one. Which final club you ask? Well…it’s the tacky one that looks like a Cantabrigian Hooters: The Owl. And this isn’t the first time they’ve let their owlets outta the bag.

What follows after the jump are the notes I took from the event. Some highlights: random dude with axe, typical bro behavior, and somebody playing Joan of Arc in the leaves.

Pretty bored here…but uh, looks like people are coming into the courtyard.
Around 1:00 AM: All the punchees led by owl members outside… some were in groups filing out like a conga line. I can see some other stragglers (late-comers?) It appears as if these late members are being chastised. My question is: why does it matter?

Still around 1:00 AM: Nothing much is happening…oh, but wait!
They’ve been asked to link hands (no homo?)  around a dude in the middle. Not sure why he’s been chosen.
Um.. there appears to be a guy with an axe, he just got up on a table. Oh lame, he’s not doing anything with his axe. I think he’s probably just supposed to stand there and look pretty like Gimli from Lord of the Rings.

A little later: They’re raking leaves around some guy in the center of their hippie love-circle. Now they’re pouring the leaves over his head. Oh my God. I think they’re going to light him up! I think I’m going to be witness to a murder. That guy with that axe is still there anyway…

No. Nope. They’re just all blindfolded, standing around some bro covered in leaves. Lame.

Not a bro, just adorable.

Now there’s a guy reading from  a book being oddly sincere about how he wants them to have a good time in the club, blah blah blah. This is making me want to ralph. Ninjas hate sincerity. Guy with the book just asked them to raise their glasses “to health”…except no one has glasses and those are definitely red Solo Cups.  Pre-tty classy, Owl.

1:40 AM Just remembered the clock on my ninja cell-phone. Hope no one can see the back light of my screen from up here.
1:41 AM Some guy rearranged his balls. Wonder if this has to do with previous indoor induction ritual. Hope they’re all okay down there.
1:41 AM Some guy just yelled for someone to “suck dick.” Hey! Someone peeked from their blindfold. Sneaky, sneaky.
1:42 AM Movement! Are they headed toward my tree? No, they just switched and turned into Lowell.
1:43 AM Handing out a sheet of paper to be signed. It’s due tomorrow at noon, they have to commit to the Owl by noon.
1:44 AM Guy speaking who sounds like a bro, can’t hear what he’s saying because his voice is too bro-y.
1:45 AM Making something out about parties, clean up afterward, then lunch and dinner. Getting the feeling that this is all the final clubs do.
1:45 AM Why do they even have to be blindfolded for any of this? Doesn’t that mean they can’t even see the guy with the axe?
1:46 AM Oh, I think its ending, I just heard a congratulatory “good  job guys.”
Lots of hugs and many manly pats on the back. One guy didn’t do the back pat, that hug looked oddly intimate.
1:46 AM Someone just said “It’s hard being blindfolded and walking around.” No shit, Sherlock.
1:46 AM First person is leaving.
1:46 AM One of the punchees is texting. He is really, really happy right now.
1:47 AM Some guy is tying his shoe.
1:48 AM Rabble rabble rabble rabble!
1:49 AM Maybe one or two dark complected people spotted. Yay! Token black people!
1:52 AM Can make out screaming/dancing in the billiards room (nothing new). Perhaps the man with the axe has found an application for his weapon.
1:52 AM All smiles from the people leaving, they are glowing like  8 year-old girls coming back from bible camp.
1:52 AM I’ve been seen! Oh wait, no that guys just tilting his head back to drink his beer.
1:53 AM Total nerd spotted! How’d he get in?
1:54 AM Um…are they touching each other?
1:55 AM Now that it’s over officially, half are cool, half are awkwardly standing. It seems like they just can’t bear to part. That’s just adorable. Aww, they love each other!
1:56 AM Asian with backpack spotted! Edit: somehow this seemed significant enough at the time to write down.
1:57 AM Everyone’s leaving…

Reflections: Well, seeing as this isn’t my first time watching an Owl punch event I must say that they kicked out the good-looking ones. Or lost them to other clubs. Seriously ladies, take it from this ninja, if you’re looking to hook up with a handsome final club man, you may want to wander elsewhere on the weekends. Can’t say very much for this year’s punchees, or for the members for that matter.

All in all, a night well spent, I think. We’ve debunked whatever lingering myth of cool these bros possessed as it seems these events are nowhere near being as awesome as our imaginations say they oughta be. For instance, there was no ritual sacrifice and no creepy chants. Just some leaf-raking and minor paperwork (why was that guy covered in leaves?). It really just looked like they were wingin’ it with whatever they had around. If you’re going to have ritual events in an open courtyard you could at least make them interesting for the rest of us, even if all you’re going to do is go right back inside and group-brainstorm goofy themes for next-weekend’s rager. For Chrissakes skin a cat (not a real one) at least! Make your punchees drink pigs’ blood – anything to relieve this ninja of his boredom. But maybe I should cut them some slack, it’s a recession isn’t it? Even final clubs gotta cut back.

Well, until next time. Happy Induction Season everybody. Next week: The songs Dean Dingman likes to sing while cooking, and the thrilling things he discusses with his barber.

“Ladies may be admitted to the clubhouse or garden only between Friday dusk through Sunday dawn, special events excepted. Each member will be allowed a maximum of one female guest at any one time.” – the Owl Club for Men, Member’s Manual