Those of you that overachieved in your grades last year may have received one of two fancy cream-colored letters in your house mailboxes this past week, as Dean Evelynn Hammonds and the Registrar Office delivered notifications to this year’s John Harvard and Harvard College Scholars.  What does that even mean, you ask?  Well, the letter doesn’t really provide any clues, although a blurb hidden deep in the now online-only student handbook reveals that they are meant respectively for the top 5% and top 6-10% of each class.

So, now that you know what these mysterious designations mean, you’re probably going to want to know how it’s going to benefit you.  To find the answer, we went through one of the Harvard College Scholarship letters and translated the Harvard-ese into a more practical form:

To: Recipients of Harvard College Scholarships
From: Evelynn Hammonds, Dean of Harvard College
Date: October 2009

The addition of a scanned signature of Evelynn M. Hammonds is, I believe, to show you how much she cares about the students.

I write to congratulate you on being designated a Harvard College Scholar for the 2008-2009 academic year.

Translation: Congratulations, turns out you weren’t an admissions mistake.

The scholarship is honorary, it carries no stipend, but it signifies the College’s pride in your superior academic achievement.

Translation: And to thank you for doing all that hard work, we’re going to pay you all the money we have left after last year’s financial crisis (which, just so you know, is $0.00).  Sucker.

You may wish to know a bit of the history of our scholarships.

Translation: We’re going to tell you a story about the good old days when “scholarship” didn’t mean “money.”

Years ago, virtually all students paid for the cost of their College education from either their own or their families’ resources.

Translation: All you awful poor and middle-income people are positively bankrupting us.  Help a college out and go to State U, okay?

Over time, various scholarship funds were established to provide assistance to needy students who were performing well academically.  Naturally it became an honor to win one of these scholarships, although competition was limited to those in financial need. The Faculty established the Harvard College Scholarships in the 1890s so that students of high academic achievement would receive commendation from the College, even if they were not receiving financial aid. Now all students are eligible for these honorary scholarships, regardless of financial status.

Translation: No, really, stop asking us for money, guys.  Isn’t it enough that you got in to this fine, upstanding institution that loves to reward merit so much?

With this award I want to convey our best wishes and high hopes for your future.

Translation: Okay, now that we’ve given you the Harvard Seal of Approval, you are no longer allowed to screw up. Maybe in ten or twenty years, we’ll even reward you for your continued achievements by asking you for donations.

In short, these designations might be useful for padding an empty resume, but otherwise, they’re mostly useful for sending home to your parents to show what a wonderful son or daughter you are.  Thank you, Harvard.