Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise must be feeling a bit neglected lately. With HarvardFML.com launching Harvard students to fame almost daily, students just don’t get excited anymore by the so-called celebrities frequenting our campus. Rather, our attention has been captured by the likes of red scarf Polish girl, Wigg A girl, or — most recently – K-pop Loving Turk.

The last person — Mr. Turk, let’s call him — is perhaps the most obscure of all. Sure, we know where Wigg A is, and what red scarves are, and hopefully where Poland is, but what’s all this about a K-pop loving Turk? Is K-pop a type of soda? Should we stock up, so that we can sip it conspicuously during Gov20 in the hopes that we’ll capture the attention of some tanned Turkish hottie?

Noice knows such questions are running through the minds of Harvard students everywhere, so we’re here to unravel a bit of the mystery surrounding Mr. Turk. Thus, Noice presents A Guide to K-pop. Because how else are you going to impress this famed personage without versing yourself in his interests?

Definition:

K-pop: (noun) Korean pop. Specifically, South Korean pop, with R&B, dance, and hip-hop influences.

Characteristics of K-pop:

• The male popstars look like girls
  

  K-pop is awesome. Kk?

They’re effeminate and pretty. They know how to dance and sometimes how to sing. The have wispy hair.

• The girl popstars also look like girls

…by which we mean they look like 6-year old, scantily-clad ones. Cutesy, wide-eyed, and bushy-tailed.

• Stock characters

Like a bad novel, K-pop band members typically conform to certain preset images: the cutie, the gangster, the quiet one, the leader, etc.

• Band names are funny

2PM, Shinee, 2NE1, BoA, etc.

Components of a K-pop music video:

• Synchronized dancing

Think ‘N Sync circa 1998, except with moves so synchronized, cutesy, and ridiculous that they look more like your fourth grade talent show rendition of ‘N Sync than the real thing.

• Shall we say… interesting concepts

A quick scan of some popular videos shows scenes of eating dumplings, playing hand-clapping games, dancing with a paper airplane, and painting a motorcycle.

• Sweet lyrics, if you can understand them

If you thought Mims was poetic, just check out these (translated) lyrics by Super Junior:

“You you you mesmerize me mesmerize mesmerize mesmerize baby / Shorty short shorty shorty / Eyes sparkling sparkling sparkling / Breath suffocation suffocation suffocation”

• Singers are either grinning or giving come-hither looks

Major players:

• DBSK

• SNSD

• Super Junior

• Wonder Girls

We would include pictures of more bands, except they kind of all look the same.

Good luck stalking K-pop loving Turk!

ETA: For your viewing pleasure: